Remembrance

 Today, October 28, 2020 is the fifth anniversary of the death of my dear son, Anthony.

Anthony was a remarkable young man, and by example, taught me so much about life and living. He demonstrated independence, courage, tenacity, resilience, passion and optimism.

Anthony was only 36 when he passed from complications after surgery for ulcerative colitis. He died young yet he lived a more fulfilled and impassioned life than many who achieve old age. 

As a young boy, he was drawn to the sea and began sailing at age 12. At 21 he left our home in California and headed to Hawaii, working on a dinner cruise and fishing during time off. A year later he moved to Kennebunkport, Maine becoming a lobsterman, fisherman and adventurous sailor. He was the first mate on a yacht that sailed across the Atlantic to Europe and beyond. As I said, he lived a very full and ebullient life.

Though I miss Anthony every day, I know that death does not end a relationship, as there is no endpoint to love and loss. I know, many of you have also endured the passing of a loved one, so you know whereof I speak. We will not get through this life without experiencing the heartbreaking death of a beloved.

So, I say - Carpe' the hell out of this diem! Tomorrow is not promised.

My dear Anthony, thank you for choosing me to be your mom for almost 37 years.

As the Persian mystic; Rumi said: "Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with their heart and soul, there is no such thing as separation".

xo

An Organized Route to Creativity

About 20 years ago I decided it was time to give up the notion that I had zero artistic talent, even though my dad informed me when I was a young child this was so. He was an artist, so he should know, right?

In spite of this, I gathered my courage and my long suppressed desire to be creative and signed up for an adult education class at a local high school in Marin County. The class, called The Artist's Way, was based on the book written by Julia Cameron, an award-winning writer with credits in film, television, theater and journalism.

We gathered in a classroom, about 25 of us, mostly middle-aged women, hoping to discover our latent artistic selves. It was a 12 week foray aimed at freeing people's creativity. Ms. Cameron believes The Artist's Way is a spiritual path toward creativity and I agree. There isn't any praying, chanting or any of that sort of thing, however, a belief that there is a "something" greater than us is a huge help in uncovering our creativity. According to the artist, Robert Motherwell; "In the brush doing what it's doing, it will stumble on what one couldn't do by oneself."

There are two pivotal tools in creative recovery: The morning pages and the artist date. The morning pages are three pages of writing long hand in a notebook or journal first thing in the morning - "stream of consciousness writing". Simply write whatever comes to mind for three pages and if you run out of ideas - write: "I've run out of ideas" repeatedly until three pages are filled up. More than likely, something will pop into your mind to put on the paper. Then do it again tomorrow. It's non-negotiable. I'm a daily journalist - always have been, but even for me, three pages was a lot. Yet, I did it religiously for 12 weeks.

More fun is the artist date. This is where you set aside a few hours once a week to take yourself on an excursion committed to nurturing your creative consciousness. This is a date sans friends, family, children or errands. Yes, you are completely on your own. I have taken myself to the movies, to museums, botanical gardens, to bookstores to browse and read and purchase whatever yummy novel or non-fiction caught my attention.

According to the author: "Doing your morning pages, you are sending - notifying yourself and the universe of your dreams, dissatisfactions, hopes. Doing your artist date, you are receiving - opening yourself to insight, inspiration, guidance."

These exercises "fill the well, and stock the pond" of your creativity, she advises us. It worked for me and hundreds of others.

Don't tell yourself it's too late, or that people will think you've lost it, or creativity is a luxury. You are a creative. All women are. We were born that way - even if you're not quite certain what your creative avenue is yet. We get so busy having careers, being moms and wives and partners and being
supportive to others. This may be your time - to support yourself in a creative endeavor.

xo

Mental Illness or Covid Anxiety

 There is a young rapper named Logic who suffers from anxiety. He was brave enough to write a song about his experience with depression and anxiety. The name of the song is "1-800-273-8255." That is also the number of the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. "I made this song for all of you who are in a dark place and can't seem to find the light." Even though he was never suicidal, he did end up in the hospital due to severe anxiety attacks. Huge financial success with the release of two albums did not bring him comfort. He has found peace now with his role as a husband and a new dad.

Those suffering from anxiety, bi-polar or other pre-existing mental health issues may find their symptoms exacerbating.  

During this uncertain and tumultuous time many of us are experiencing disturbing and unsettling feelings. There are days I am feeling agitated and frustrated. I can't identify exactly why. At times it can be a general feeling of unrest. Most days, however,  I'm upbeat and motivated. I have absolutely no explanation for the disparity. 

Whether it's a mental health issue or anxiety strictly due to the pandemic, it is clear that people are suffering. 

There is a tremendous sense of loss in our country right now. For one thing, our freedom to simply be out and about is severely curtailed if not eliminated entirely. It is uncertain when and how this virus will be eradicated. We feel powerless over decisions we once took for granted. And for many, there is overwhelming boredom.

No matter where you are on the spectrum of mental health, there are things we can do to help curtail our stress. 

They are the tried and true suggestions that keep appearing - and it's because they work: Reach out to others. Knowing you are not alone can be a badly needed salve. Make a phone call to a dear friend. It may be exactly what she needed, as well. Exercise - even if all you can manage is a 15 minute walk around the block. Be sure you're getting plenty of sleep. Eat well. I know, that bowl of ice cream is soothing, so go ahead, have it - just be mindful of the amount so you won't be regretting it next week! Gratitude and meditation work wonders for me. If I stop during the day and remember all I have to be thankful for, it can be an immediate boost to my mood. Starting the day with a meditation is helpful for some, myself included.

A process that younger people use frequently is talking about mental illness and feelings of anxiety with their peers. This helps to diminish the stigma previously surrounding mental illness. Let us embrace this practice, as well.

I also believe it is exceedingly important that you give yourself permission to be proud of yourself. We have been enduring this difficult situation for at least seven months and we are tenacious. We are courageous. We have heart. And we have one another.

xo

Resilience

 Resilience: 1. the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties, toughness. 2. The ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape, elasticity.

Resilience has been described as our ability to recover from adversity.

I don't agree with the dictionary definition of resilience as recovering quickly from adversity. I believe one can be resilient even though recovery may take awhile. It can take time to regain one's footing after a scary cancer diagnosis has been delivered. Once the news has been absorbed, the patient can become resilient and be fully willing to undergo whatever measures need to be taken to be well again.

Psychologists say that resilience can be learned. It's not something we either have or we don't have, according to the site Happify. If you want to bounce back after a setback, you must expect that good things will happen. 

Optimism is the single biggest factor in recovering from adversity. It's what makes some of us seek out solutions to our troubles instead of pulling the covers over our heads, according to Phyllis Zilkha, PhD, clinical psychologist in Manhattan. 

Coincidently, I'm reading "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl, about the time he spent in concentration camps during the Holocaust. This post about resilience did not come about as a result of reading this book, however, no one was more resilient than Dr. Frankl and other prisoners brave enough to envision more than what their horrific surroundings indicated. 

He writes: "...in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone." "It is this spiritual freedom which cannot be taken away - that makes life meaningful and purposeful."

Once again, this is an horrifically extreme case yet proves that resilience is something we can summon up from deep within and it can be learned.

We are in month six of the Covid pandemic, months into racial unrest, deep into the political campaign and doing our best to put a smile on our faces. In addition, each one of us has personal crosses to bear. Yes, we are tough. We are optimistic yet realistic. We are resilient. 

xo

Having a Purpose As We Age

If we're alive, we're aging. Seems obvious, I know - and the question that begs to be asked is: How well are you aging?

It is believed that those that have a reason to get out of bed every day, a purpose to open those peepers and say thank you for another day - not only live longer, but are flourishing and living healthier and happier lives.

What is it that inspires you? Motivates you to get those boots on the ground, so to speak? Are you an exerciser happily anticipating your morning walk, hike or run or getting out in the morning air to walk Fido?

Are you an artist and look forward to painting, or a writer penning your memoir or blog? A chef planning your next scrumptious meal?

Having a hobby or passion helps to keep us inspired, vital, young and energized. It keeps the old brain from getting stagnant and bored. It's never too late to conceive and uncover new goals and skills as we navigate each new chapter of life.

Dan Buettner, the Blue Zones expert says: "Frame purpose not as something you find but rather as something you develop - meaning that instead of seeking it out, you may need to look at what you already have and find purpose within it".

My friend, Jennifer, recently retired from her catering business. She is an extremely talented and accomplished chef and has begun compiling a cookbook for her two adult children. It will contain favorite family recipes in addition to dishes she often prepared for catering events. Not only is she putting the recipes together but they will be accompanied by stories of how the recipe came to be. It is still in the infant stages, however, many friends, including myself - would love a copy of it.

Especially now, during these challenging times, it is even more crucial to have a purpose that will give our days direction. Regardless of our age, many of us have only scratched the surface of our potential. What is still possible for you to discover?

I'm fortunate that this little blog keeps me busy. I can write a post quickly - yet I'm always editing, adjusting, changing it. Constantly researching ideas to write about, curious about so many subjects to explore that the days fly by.

Plus, I'm so excited that pickle ball is back in my life. Several friends and I have begun playing once again after many months of being afraid to venture out onto the courts after they reopened. We are keeping to ourselves and not mingling with others in order to stay safe. This game is an absolute passion for many of us.

I know so many of you are talented, curious and life long learners with many interests and I say brava!

As Mary Oliver poetically wrote: "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

xo

RIP RBG

"Fight for the things you care about. But do it in a way that would lead others to join you". Ruth Bader Ginsburg. 

As the world knows by now, the brilliant trailblazer and Supreme Court Justice; Ruth Bader Ginsburg died on September 18, 2020 due to complications from metastatic pancreatic cancer. 

Her career began as a law professor and pioneer advocating for women's legal rights. Ms. Ginsburg was a tireless forerunner undoing laws barring women's equal rights. She served just shy of three decades on the nation's highest court. Ms. Ginsburg was well know as a liberal icon and loved by many.

My friend, Susie, found out about RBG's death from a text she received from her 10 year old granddaughter. How about that? Ms. Ginsburg's words were not only felt by adults but reached young girls, as well. What a courageous and inspiring role model she was.

Hundreds gathered outside the Supreme Court leaving flowers, notes and other items in tribute to RBG. In San Francisco's Castro District a huge congregation of gays and straights lit candles and carried signs expressing their love, admiration and sorrow over her death. This scene was repeated multiple times in cities across our country.

Unfortunately, a political firestorm threatens to overshadow the tributes, as it appears certain President Trump will nominate a replacement in the upcoming week. As Joe Biden has said: "...this is an abuse of power". And I agree. What else is new? 

Ms. Ginsburg will be paid the highest honor as the first woman ever to lie in state at the U.S. Capitol, an honor granted since 1852 to America's most distinguished citizens. And a most distinguished citizen she was.

RIP RBG.

xo

Little Kindnesses

Have you noticed how good you feel after doing a simple, easy, mini kindness for another? The other  morning on my daily walk with my Golden, Merlin, we came upon a woman attempting to walk her frisky young Husky. Mr. Husky wanted so badly to frolic with Merlin and would not budge no matter how determined his human was in trying to move him along. I did what anyone would do, I offered to cross the street so her stubborn pup would move on. Fortunately, it was 6:30 a.m. so the traffic was scarce on this 4 lane island-divided street. She was so grateful and happy to resume her walk. The extra dividend was - it made me feel good, too - to be able to do a little thing for another.

So many are out early these days due to the summer heat in Arizona and more people than usual, as its an opportunity to get out of the house safely during the pandemic. Often several of us will be dodging one another on the sidewalk and jockeying for the street in order to keep our distance. It's so heartwarming that everyone is doing their part to be safe and keep others safe, as well.

Cyclists are passing by going slightly over the speed limit, however; whenever one of them is on the side of the road, even if simply taking a break, a passing cyclist always checks to see if he or she is alright. Again, such a simple gesture, but one of kindness.

Several of our neighbors offered to go grocery shopping for us - how thoughtful. We gladly do our own shopping and it has become an excuse to get out and see that civilization is still carrying on.

It's also gratifying to hear from pickle ball players as we haven't played in months - simply to check in. A caring phone call or text means so much.

We need to stay connected. It's vital to be in contact with friends and family, for them as well as us.  I have dear friends in California (in addition to Arizona) and a weekly call is always on my agenda. I need to be reassured that all is well in a world where so much is unwell.

I am blessed and fortunate to be healthy and safe and my thoughts and hope is that you are, too.

xo

I Failed

Last September I set three goals for myself that I planned on achieving in one year.  No, I didn't exactly expect them to be a walk in the park, but never in a million years did I think I would fail at all three.

How did that happen? Is it okay with you if I blame it on the coronavirus? I don't need to tell any of you how this pandemic has fundamentally affected our lives.

We were moseying along minding our own business when this freakish virus descended on us and upended our world. Yes, it's the excuse I'm using - at least partly.

Goal #1 was to have this little blog "go public" and read by those unknown to me. Perhaps this has happened somewhat but, not to the extent that I'd expected. I did learn that I must move it to a platform that draws a larger circulation. To my credit I have been working on building a new site for the past several months - a huge learning curve for enormously un-techy me.

Goal #2 was to go from a 2.5 level to a 3.5 level in pickleball. Pickleball ended for us in February/March when our leagues were canceled, the YWCA closed to everyone but childcare and the public courts also shut down. I did manage to advance in my skills a bit before the shutdown, but nowhere near where I'd hoped to be.  

Goal #3 was to complete a collage for and about my son, Nick. He supplied me with bits and pieces to include in it. I was unhappy with what I created, decided to "practice" by making one for me that would be easier and voila! I created a collage I love. Alas, still not a completed one for Nick. It's halfway done and I'm keenly aware that it doesn't count as a true success.

The most significant take away from this endeavor has been the personal growth I've experienced. I've read about how it's not the achievement of the goal that is important but the person we become in the process. I'm sure you have experienced this as well. We marshal our forces and take on a challenge and whether we have attained victory or not we are better for having attempted it.

I'm going forward with these important intentions for as Dale Carnegie has said: "Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy!"

P.S.  I wrote this post yesterday and today I finished my son's collage. Hallelujah! I turned the tables on my resistance, quit my whining and got busy and what do you know - it's done! It's not my best or favorite piece but it's decent. I actually achieved one of my goals, but, again, that's not really the point. I showed up and became a tad braver because I did.

xo

Resistance and Excellence

A few weeks ago I wrote two posts regarding Resistance. Yes, Resistance with a capital R.  As I established in those posts, resistance strikes when we attempt to create something outside of our comfort zone. For me, it's making art.

I'm getting over it. Little by little, piece by piece, the resistance is waning. Resistance feeds on fear.  Fear that I'll make a fool of myself. Fear that others will think the art I produced to be abysmal. Fear that I will be seen as an imposter. Fear that I will see myself as a fraud, a wannabe artist.

These are all significant fears. However, as Steven Pressfield states in The War of Art: "the Mother of all Fears that's so close to us that even when we verbalize it we don't believe it. Fear That We Will Succeed. That we can access the powers we secretly know we possess. That we can become the person we sense in our hearts we truly are."

I'm still digesting this idea. It hasn't fully infiltrated my brain. Why wouldn't we want to be successful?

Mr. Pressfield believes "...if we embrace our ideals, we must prove worthy of them. And that scares the hell out of us."

It's beginning to make a tad more sense to me now. Still, I want to be better, do more both for myself and others. I want to achieve excellence. Not perfection, that's not even possible or desirable.

Chadwick Boseman, the hero in Black Panther and portrayer of several historical figures in recent films, not only made a number of movies in four years - but as we know now, he did it while undergoing chemotherapy and surgeries for colon cancer. He did not reveal any of this. He bravely and admirably continued on despite the pain and anguish. In addition, and perhaps, most achingly touching, he reached out to several children going through similar difficulties. He brought light and love to the lives of these patients. He made appearances to public events simply to delight and support others.

Chadwick wasn't resistant to accessing the powers he knew he possessed. He is a staggeringly brave example of Excellence. Excellence with a capital E. No resistance here. What a splendid and astonishing example of selflessness and courage and love.

xo

Feeling Good

I'm almost a little embarrassed to admit this, but some days I'm feeling really good. Then I remember what I forgot - that we're in the middle of a national crisis. And I begin to feel guilty for feeling good. Geez, it's kind of crazy and puzzling  - isn't it? Yet, we have the right to feel good, to be happy. Actually, it's more than a right, it's a responsibility. How can we be of service or a help to anyone if we're feeling crummy? How do we even help ourselves?

"Feeling good is the gateway to gratitude. The better we feel about ourselves, the more grateful we are. The more grateful we are, the better we feel about ourselves." (from the book Gratitude and Trust).

My routine during this pandemic has been consistent. The only change has been the hour my day begins. Now that it is god-awful sweltering hot in Arizona, my day begins at 5:15 or so. I meet my dear friend Shannon with our pups for a walk that varies in length from 30 minutes to over an hour depending on our energy level. When the dreaded alarm vibrates on my Fitbit my first reaction is - oh no, can't be morning - it's still dark outside! However, as soon as my sweetheart Golden Retriever, Merlin, looks me in the eye with his big smile, I know I cannot disappoint him. Unconditional, never-ending love is what he exudes. Now my spirits, if not my energy, are lifted. Now I'm experiencing gratitude, not just for him, but for life itself, no matter what is going on in our world. How blessed are we that we get another day?

Are you able to feel appreciation for another day despite all the unrest and unknowns? Are you able to take a minute and take a breath and say yes to another day? Do you have a routine that helps your life stay somewhat on track?

What keeps my outlook positive and fuels me is that I feel I have a purpose (other than taking Merlin for a walk!). I have a reason to get my derriere out of my cozy bed. It's not a huge 'save the world from evil-type' purpose, but it's my little mission that motivates and inspires me. Actually, there are a couple of things - and this little blog is one of my pursuits and the other is creating art.

By having a purpose, we get to beat boredom and discontent at its own game, by being even more resolute than it is.

It would be abnormal not to be affected by all the happenings in the world. Human beings are born to feel and react to the challenges and opportunities life hands us. I believe that having a purpose centers us and gives us a place to express feelings, and acknowledge the gift of another day.

xo

What to Write About?

Sometimes I'm not sure what to write about. It's not that I don't have ideas. Quite the contrary. I have so many - which one should I choose; the ongoing pandemic, health, aging, the absence of travel or seeing and hugging our loved ones? So many choices.

I don't want to write too often about the current state of our country even though it is of utmost importance. It can be difficult to stay honestly and matter of factly upbeat about it. Yes, of course, we are fortunate in so many ways. In the first place, we are privileged to be Americans. What other country offers what the U.S. does regardless of where you live? No Pollyanna rhetoric here as I'm well aware of the poverty, racial unrest, and free-floating anxiety many of us are experiencing.

The truth of it is we are blessed to be here despite the discord, fear of the unknown as well as concerns of the present and unease and apprehension of the future. Many of us have lost loved ones - irreplaceable beings, lost jobs and sometimes we lose hope. I'm saddened by this.

The antidote for this state of affairs may be plain old gratitude. I've written about gratitude previously and more can always be said:

"Gratitude is, in its purest sense, living in the moment. It is being attuned to all that is around you and being at peace with it. It's touching the unknown power inside of you and knowing you are not alone and that you are being guided to a better place each and every day." (From Gratitude and Trust by Paul Williams and Tracey Jackson.)

If we stop now and then during our day, and relish the moment, all is well in that moment. I agree, it may be difficult to be at peace when our world has been turned upside down. Let's take the time to actually recognize how truly blessed we are - in spite of the hardships that are being felt by so many.

Meister Eckhart, philosopher, theologian and mystic said: "If the only prayer you ever said was "Thank You", that would be enough.

xo