Should vs. Must

 I lived the first two-thirds of my life in Shoulds.

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Imagine living your life for someone or something other than what you actually want? Even worse, picture doing that and being unaware that is how you are existing. Or consciously knowing that you are living inauthentically, yet it seemed easier than pursuing what you truly desired.

This is how I lived for the first two-thirds of my life.

Attending art/design school was my dream after graduating high school. My father insisted I apply to Cooper Union, his school. I refused. I had my own choices. He rejected those preferences proclaiming it wasn’t financially feasible.

I chickened out. I could not manage to commute to New York City from New Jersey and pay for school independently. I abandoned my Musts and entered, ever so reluctantly, into the world of Shoulds.

I took the first job offered to me because it seemed the “right” choice at the time. It was a decent job, and I enjoyed it; however, it wasn’t what I truly wanted in my soul. It was my first Should decision as an adult.

At that time, the Must in my life was to be creative, not a cog in an insurance company wheel. I could not stand up for myself as I was too immature, inexperienced, and a father-pleaser.

My first Must appeared ten years later when I summoned my courage and hightailed it out of New Jersey for new adventures in California.

The following 20 years were filled with many Shoulds as I married and gave birth to two boys filling my life with the usual parenting responsibilities and housewife duties. I neither gave thought to nor had time for the Musts that were simmering beneath my smiling facade.

Jumping ahead approximately 15 years, divorced, boys well into their teens and beyond — could it possibly be time for me to take a peek at those festering Musts I’ve been ignoring?

Our Musts are buried deep within and will lay dormant until, with valor, we endeavor to uncover them. And so I did with my yearning to create art-specifically to paint.

I no longer wanted to go to museums and galleries to view art to assuage this desire. I wanted to join the ranks of the creators.

And so I did. My first venture was a watercolor class at the local community college, and I was euphoric. My earliest paintings were horrific, yet I was surrounded by other painters, feeling a camaraderie among us. As timid and apprehensive as I was, I knew I made the right decision despite my inept results.

I moved on to acrylics —they are not as complicated as watercolors, and I have painted quite a few works I am pleased with.

Next, I decided to try my hand at collage and enjoyed painting, assembling, and gearing each one to a specific person or subject.

I surmounted my fear of tackling the Must that weighed me down for many years. I discovered I could paint, have a bit of talent, and learn new skills, unleashing a fresh, bolder woman.

The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time. — Brene’ Brown, author, researcher, professor.

It’s interesting how this article came to be. I am rereading for the umpteenth time Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life.

In Chapter Two, Ms. Hay writes about Shoulds giving an exercise for her clients with physical, emotional, or relationship issues. She supplies them with a pad and pen and, at the top of the page, asks them to write I Should and then list all of the Shoulds in their lives. This uncovers where they are stuck in their beliefs and what they think their limitations are.

Louise goes on to say: I believe that should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should we are in effect saying ‘wrong’. Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don’t think we need more wrongs in our life. We need to have more freedom of choice.

Looking back, I see that I, too, had freedom of choice. However, I was much too compliant, fearful, and a pleaser to execute that choice.

Thankfully, I broke out of that cowardly shell, discovering another version of myself.

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Ms. Hay advises changing Should to Could. A different rendition of Must— still, very empowering yet not quite as intense as Must.

Musts are different.

According to Elle Luna, author of The Crossroads of Should and Must: Must is who we are, what we believe, and what we do when we are alone with our truest, most authentic self. It’s that which calls to us most deeply. It’s our convictions, our passions, our deepest held urges and desires — unavoidable, undeniable, and inexplicable. Unlike Should, Must doesn’t accept compromises.

Interestingly, Ms. Luna wrote and published a piece on this very subject on Medium several years ago, and it went viral, resulting in her book.

I bought The Crossroads of Should and Must — Find and Follow Your Passion, the year it was published, 2015. I was unaware of Medium or that I had a latent desire to write. At that time, I was enmeshed in creating collages and enjoying the first years of my retirement.

I have been writing a blog: strong55plus.blogspot.com, for over two years, discovering that I enjoy writing. Since I began publishing on Medium in 2021, I have uncovered a new passion for writing.

I’m loving the synchronicity of re-reading Louise Hay’s work leading me to locate Elle Luna’s book on my shelf and circling back to writing this post, my newest, brightest Must!

You and you alone design your own life. — Pam Grout, author of E Squared.

Is Imposter Syndrome Real?

 

Is Imposter Syndrome Real?

If so, how do we know if we have it?

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I know it’s real. I suffer from imposter syndrome as I’m a fraud. Here I am writing as if I have the skill, as though I have a background in creative writing, or at the very least was an outstanding English student.

Nope, none of the above do I possess, so where do I get the nerve to write a weekly blog and publish on Medium?

I want to write. I enjoy writing. It brings me satisfaction and pride that I have taken on a new challenge in the Third Third of my life.

That is until the moment arrives to pull the trigger and Publish. 

The self-doubt descends on me — who do I think I am? The other writers are far superior, more clever, and certainly more intelligent and talented than I. Imposter Syndrome is the fear that you will discover I haven’t a clue what I’m doing. 

According to the website MedLife:

Imposter Syndrome is an emotional and mental state where an individual refuses to give credit to their own hard work and talent for their successes.

I gather my courage and chutzpah and hit Publish. I rationalize that I have accomplished far more significant and more daunting undertakings than publishing a little article online. What’s the big deal, anyway?

Still, the insecurity and doubt linger. 

As Seth Godin says in his book; The Practice — Shipping Creative Work:

I feel like an imposter often. That’s because my best work involves doing things I’ve never done before.

Ok, so there we have it. Writing is new to me. Yes, I’ve been writing every week on my blog for over two years, so that should give me a bit of confidence. My readers there are primarily friends and very accepting. 

Medium feels like the big time in comparison, and I see the followers, claps, and comments other writers are collecting, which feeds my insecurity. 

Still, as Seth states — this psychological syndrome slams us when we attempt to do something new. At least I’m not alone. I’m in good, nay — excellent company!

Maya Angelou has been afraid people would realize her scam. Meryl Streep feels she is not beautiful and is a character artist. Tom Hanks says he feels like a conman. Dr. Margaret Chou, two times head of WHO, is surprised people consider her an expert!

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Regrettably, the imposter syndrome is not fussy when or where it will strike. It wallops me when I’m attempting a new collage or painting. This particular creative endeavor is where I am most vulnerable. I’ll give the credit for this encounter with the syndrome to my dad, who was a professional artist for a time. He made it clear I did not have any talent in this area. Of course, I believed him; I was an innocent child. 

Eventually, I decided the hell with his opinion and dipped my brush, and began to paint. I was in mid-life at this point — having been successful in parenting, careers, and such, still the imposter appeared. 

I forged on and am proud of quite a few pieces I created; imposter be damned.

If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends) ‘Am I really a writer? Am I really an artist?’ Chances are you are. The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death. — Stephen Pressfield.

That is the best news. Precisely what we doubters need to hear and remember. There is a possibility believing we are the real deal may boost our self-confidence in our chosen field, knowing we are genuine innovators.

I’m sure reading these uplifting quotes won’t convince us overnight that we are authentic writers, artists, chefs, potters — however, this is undoubtedly a jumping-off point to believing we are bonafide and legit.

Give yourself deserved credit for venturing forward in your chosen craft. Silent that imposter by continuing to deliver your goods. The world is waiting.

Is There Always a Silver Lining?

 How do we find the good in the not-so-good?

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A wisp of a woman gingerly stepped forward with her walker, her husband carrying her handbag. She was frail and appeared to be in pain or drugged.

I, with my firm, confident stride, passed them and held the door open. We were entering a Gynecological Oncologist’s office. The couple was inching forward very slowly and cautiously. Finally, the woman stepped in, and with the help of her husband, tentatively took a seat. 

She appeared to be in her 50’s. It was apparent she either had an advanced stage of cancer or was in severe pain, perhaps both. My heart went out to her.

Office staff came to her and her husband, offering beverages, a blanket, or anything else that might ease her discomfort.

I felt a bit guilty. My appointment was for a check on pre-cancer skin cells. My malady would never morph into cancer. I had dodged the proverbial bullet, yet here I sat surrounded by women of different ages with varying degrees of cancer.

Walking to my examination room, I passed the chemotherapy area, where tubes and vials were connected to several women, circled by caring and ministering nurses.

Why and how did I get so lucky to have sidestepped this cruel illness? Could it be my good genes, balanced diet, or healthy lifestyle that helped spare me? 

What about the women connected to the chemo contraption? The ill woman accompanied by her husband in the office — what could be their silver lining?

For one, it could be the gift of healthy grandchildren. For another, the news that her cancer is in remission. 

We don’t know why certain people contract diseases, sparing others. 

It is up to each one of them, each one of us, to find the silver lining in every challenge we encounter.

Only in the darkness, can you see the stars. — Martin Luther King, Jr.

Silver linings can be found in other realms, as well, such as the worldwide Covid pandemic.

We have paid a high price during this pandemic with lives lost, jobs disappearing for many workers, highly successful businesses going bust. Still, we have a silver lining. It is there if we look for it, lean into it, and treasure the blessings given.

One favorable bonus to the pandemic is that many people continue to work from home, leaving the dreaded commute behind. The proof of this silver lining, in countless instances, is employees are more productive and happier working from home. Plus, they are near their families.

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Our environment has significantly benefitted from the lockdown — blue skies have returned over many previously smoggy cities because carbon emissions have fallen sharply. There is clean water where once it wasn’t safe to drink — all encouraging news.

On yet another topic, my friend, Christie’s daughter, had a long-awaited surgery that would relieve her pain. The surgery was deemed successful, and the young woman is home recuperating and improving though feeling miserable. The after-effects of surgery are unpleasant, but knowing the operation and distress is behind is cause for relief. The silver lining would be that she is now pain-free and able to perform all her duties and live life with ease.

My silver lining in almost every matter is to appreciate every single breath bestowed upon me. To let my loved ones know how much I care, see the beauty in my surroundings, and enjoy all the abundance — financial, emotional, and spiritual — granted to me.

Are you able to see a problem you face and look ahead to the future silver lining that may result from having maneuvered through the struggle? I’m certainly not suggesting that it is easy to see beyond the current troubles you have and slap on a happy face. I am proposing we take a moment to be grateful for all we have, and that knowledge can be our silver lining.

Live life as if everything is rigged in your favor. — Rumi, 13th Century Persian poet.

How Are You Living Your Life?

 How often, if ever, do you ask yourself this question?

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No judgment here, but are you a goal-setter? Some of us are, others not so much. Certain men and women aspire to have a better job, a more luxurious home, or a fancier car. Others are content with the status quo and prefer to mosey along happily. 

Charitable souls work towards eliminating global warming, and others labor to bring clean drinking water to the millions of humans who do not have this basic necessity. None of these are right or wrong. It’s a personal preference to live your life the way you desire.

Financial freedom is worth striving for, and having material goodies is a way of celebrating our hard work. 

If you love your professional life yet are not interested in advancing, that is perfectly acceptable. You get to choose your path.

Giving your time, money, or talent to helping others is admirable and praiseworthy and commendable, still, as in the previous examples — a choice.

I have been retired for eight years. I was a stay-at-home mother for several years and enjoyed that immensely. It was hugely fulfilling, and I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything. My children benefitted by being available for them, attending their sports activities, and volunteering in their classrooms. 

Both before and after being a homemaker, I worked outside the home. For many years, I was in the insurance and financial planning field as a secretary, and later, when titles became embellished, I was now an “administrative assistant” to the president. These positions weren’t what I aspired to. I didn’t pursue any career in particular. I fell into what was convenient and financially acceptable. I regret that now, yet pointless to lament, as it was my choice.

Volunteering for a cause I believed in was essential to me, and I always made that a part of my life. 

In the spiritual law of karma, every action generates a force of energy that is returned to us in kind. Simply put, what we give, we receive. When we choose actions that bring happiness and success to others, the fruit of our karma is happiness and success. — Deepak Chopra, author, physician and alternative medicine advocate.

I enjoyed giving my time working with harbor seals for the Marine Mammal Center and working for breast cancer galas by securing silent auction items. These were several undertakings that were satisfying and on purpose. And examples of how I chose to spend my time intentionally.

Do you have a focus for your life? A five-year plan? Perhaps, a ten-year plan? I don’t have long-term goals right now, but that is not to say I won't in the future. However, I do have a focus for my life. I can not fathom not having a direction. It would be difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning without a purpose or a plan? 

Those of you who go to a brick-and-mortar workplace already have a strategy — get there and get to work. Even with that as your motivation, is there another intention that drives you, gives you meaning?

Right now, my primary aim is to write and publish on Medium and hopefully other platforms, as well. I’m a newbie. I am learning as I go. And I’m having fun and look forward to writing each day.

In addition to writing, my other purpose, also passion, is playing pickleball. I’m retired, remember?

Nonetheless, I plan on finding a place to give back. Before the pandemic, I was volunteering at our outstanding local museum. My position was to answer questions from patrons and advise them as to the various galleries and exhibits. My time at the museum was a weekly gig, and for the first four and a half years, I supremely enjoyed it. Towards the end, I grew tired of the routine and considered other places to donate my time. That is where I am now, back to contemplating the various charitable opportunities as venues are opening up, post-Covid.

My son, Anthony, died at age 36 due to complications of Ulcerative Colitis, with addiction to opioids a contributing factor. He was prescribed oxycontin for his pain and became addicted. I am researching situations in that area where I may be able to give my time.

I consider myself extremely blessed that I am retired and able to pick and choose my activities, including volunteering. Even so, for those of you working full-time, donating your time is of paramount importance not only to the receiver but to you, as well. 

It has been proven that depressed men and women who are given a prescription to volunteer at a food bank, or hospital, often leave their disorder behind. Volunteering may not be an immediate fix. Take small steps, planning on a few hours a week. By being accountable to someone else improves self-confidence and increases patience and empathy, according to Susan J. Noonan, M.D. -Psychology Today.

Your heart will fill with gratitude for the opportunity to help another — whether human, animal, or organization. You will find the benefits immense and deeply gratifying.

People may spend their whole lives climbing the ladder of success only to find, once they reach the top, that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall. —  Thomas Merton, Trappist Monk, writer, theologian.