Bird by Bird- Some Instructions on Writing and Life, by Anne Lamott, is an insightful, humorous, and often touching work, guiding writers and wannabes to put pen to paper courageously.
There is a section where Annie is considering one of her characters to be a lover of gardening. She says this about gardens:
"…the garden did not start out as metaphor. It started out as paradise. Then, as now, the garden is about life and beauty and the impermanence of all living things. The garden is about feeding your children, providing food for the tribe. It’s part of an urgent territorial drive that we can probably trace back to animals storing food. ….."
"And what a wonderful relief every so often to know who the enemy is — because in the garden, the enemy is everything: the aphids, the weather, time. And so you pour yourself into it, care so much, and see up close so much birth and growth and beauty and danger and triumph — and then everything dies anyway, right? But you just keep doing it."
I love that. It’s heartbreaking yet encouraging, a description of life manifest.
We first start as newborn buds ready to flower. Unable to do this independently, we are fed and watered by our caregivers, nourished in many ways.
We stumble into our first steps. Learn to hold a spoon and navigate it to our mouths.
We manage to survive elementary school, then high school, and for some, college. All the while, we were having the time of our lives, even with all of the struggles. We have learned to be stronger than the weeds, live through droughts and storms.
Unlike a dependent zucchini or a daisy, the good news is that we are able, once grown, to provide for ourselves.
Hopefully, we survive, thrive, and have families of our own to tend to, support, and remove the weeds to allow the sunshine in.
I, like many of you, am a thriver and a survivor. I have managed to pick up the pieces after divorce, supporting my children on my own. I’ve endured the death of my 36-year-old son and managed to be grateful for the years I had with him.
Just as a garden’s flowers and vegetables are harvested at the peak of ripeness, so are humans delivering their goods to the world. When the crops are spent, they return to the earth. When our time has come, we, too, will pass on.
Yes, life is way more complicated than a garden — still, the metaphor persists.
I was running, doing, racing, hurrying. Wait — why? What’s the big rush?
I’m a true fan of The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. I’m more than a fan as this book has become a bible of sorts for me.
Untethered has led me out of many a dark place. It has also reminded me that our sole purpose for being on this planet is to experience joy.
How many of us are doing that regularly— experiencing joy?
Recently I’ve been suffering abdominal issues, and I know the source is stress.
Why the heck do I have stress? I’m retired, live a life many would envy. I have a husband who loves me, a son I adore, dear friends who fill my life with fun and laughter. And a precious Golden Retriever named Merlin slobbers me with unconditional love.
Still, stress is present in my life.
I must take full responsibility for this tension.
In a conversation during a break between pickleball matches, several friends and I were discussing my tummy trouble. Maryann suggested thoroughly chewing my food, as we do not benefit from the enzymes in our meals if we eat too quickly. Enzymes could help me.
Slow down my eating? Of course. How could I have forgotten this simple technique?
Sure, I’ve told myself this a dozen times — slow down, taste the food, enjoy and savor every bite. I try. Sometimes I manage to restrain myself and even linger a bit over each meal.
I often want to finish to get on to the next project, even if that means loading the dishwasher and tidying up the kitchen.
Rushing through a meal is not an isolated incident. I tend to do this with many issues throughout my day.
The natural flow of life doesn’t want us to race through our days. Why do we persist in this marathon?
I know for sure, I’m not alone in this foolishness. My buddies on the court nodded in agreement, adding their frustration with this big rush to get on with the next item on our full agendas.
I’m determined to stop this insanity.
* * *
Re-enter Michael A. Singer and his second best-seller, The Surrender Experiment. I have only read The Premise thus far. The first part of Section One — four measly pages, and already I am Know (with a capital K) this book could be life-changing if I follow it.
The Premise is — Go with the flow of life instead of fighting it.
Mr. Singer points out the universe has been around for 13.8 billion years and doing quite well independently without our assistance.
He asks the question:
"…what would happen if we respected the flow of life and used our free will to participate in what’s unfolding, instead of fighting it? What would be the quality of life that unfolds? Would it just be random events with no order or meaning, or would the same perfection of order and meaning that manifests in the rest of the universe in the everyday life around us?"
* * *
Again going with life’s flow is not a new concept.
In the ‘70’s spiritual author, self-help, and motivational speaker Wayne Dyer wrote and often spoke about rowing our boats gently down the stream. He repeatedly lectured not to paddle upstream — always downstream, going with the flow.
I “got” it then, when I was much younger, and attempted to go with the flow, never fully succeeding but always striving for ease.
* * *
No, we won’t let life befall us willy nilly.
As Mr. Singer writes:
"Let’s be clear right from the start, however, that this type of surrender does not mean living life without the assertion of will. My story … is simply the story of what happened when the assertion of will was guided by what life was doing instead of what I wanted it to be doing. My personal experience is that aligning one's will with the natural forces unfolding around us leads to some surprisingly powerful results."
* * *
I plan to continue writing daily, as I love to do. It fills me with happiness and expectation. What I — and all writers cannot control — is the result of our writing.
Let’s let go of our complaining that we don't have many readers, or other writers getting more views. Instead, let’s turn out our best work and surrender to the flow.
Now, in the Third Third of my life, I want to slow down, relish every moment and allow life to unfold as naturally as possible. Perhaps it’s time to give this idea serious implementation — with the guidance of Mr. Singer and The Surrender Experience.
My ultimate goal is to live a life of ease in every sense of the word.
I felt my heart shatter into a thousand tiny pieces as though it was a piece of fragile porcelain. How could he discard me so easily?
What do you do when someone hurts you? Pain is unavoidable if you are alive.
One of life’s most difficult and painful situations is also one of the most fulfilling and emotionally satisfying: love relationships.
I married at a young age, 24.At the time, way back in the dark ages of the ’70s, it was not considered young. I loved my husband but was not “in love” with him. Due to various reasons, such as pressure from my parents and my friends, I married him.
Two short years later, a handsome man with striking bluish-green eyes and black hair, wearing an impeccably tailored suit, walked into my office for his first day at work. One look at him and his “I dare you” smile, and I was toast.
Fast forward another two years, he and I scandalously left our spouses and hightailed it to the sunny shores of California.
It was the first time I felt absolutely “in love,” and it was terrifying. I believe I existed for several years with non-stop butterflies in my stomach.
Yet, something wasn’t quite right. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something awry. As I was to find out, it was my intuition telling me to be on guard.
He treated me like a queen. He brought me flowers. Showered me in lovely jewelry, beautiful leather coats and took me out to dinner to the chicest, trendiest restaurants in San Francisco. I was in heaven, except for the underlying, profoundly irritating nagging in my gut. I tried my best to ignore it, at times successfully.
We married, had two beautiful sons when the covert trouble began to brew. It had been simmering for years, as my instincts were trying to communicate to me. The signs something was amiss persisted, yet I couldn’t put my finger on it.
He had late “appointments” with clients, a deal that took longer than expected. You get the picture. Meanwhile, I resorted to burying my head in the sand. The pain was beginning to creep in and was commandeering more than my tummy. It had spread into my heart. Yet, I wasn’t ready to face it.
I was a stay-at-home mother and wife, loving the role, and my husband was a bountiful provider until he wasn’t.
One day I arrived home to find a notice taped to my door saying I had 90 days to vacate as the bank took my home due to non-payment of our mortgage.
Wait a minute! My home? How could this be? He was making plenty of money. We had the latest cars, a boat, a home that we loved, all the signs that we were doing well. There must be a mistake.
No mistake.
Rather than pay the mortgage and various other bills, the money disappeared up his nose. There wasn’t any money left to catch up on our back payments. We were three months behind in the mortgage, he maxed out the credit cards, and I was neglectfully unaware.
Don’t get me wrong. I take full responsibility for my ignorance. I allowed my husband to control all finances, and he cleverly had the bills sent to his office.
“Blame is irrelevant if only because it changes nothing.” — Aryn Kyle, author of The God of Animals.
I had yet to find out even more devastating news. Yes, you guessed it. The “loving” husband had a girlfriend. Later I found out; there were quite a few preceding her, hence, the ongoing gnawing feeling that something was off.
How did I remain so oblivious, you may ask? Again, the persistent intuition that I relentlessly chose to ignore — a part of me knew. However, whenever I allowed my mind to go there, I was paralyzed with fear and a sickening pain.
This man broke my heart in several places. I suffered the loss of my greatest love, and my marriage was in shreds. I had to endure the pain of informing our children their dad would no longer be living with us, knowing this would break their hearts, as well.
There was the shame of being replaced by another woman and the fear of financial catastrophe. I also knew that I would have to inform family and friends of this intense ordeal, reliving it repeatedly in the re-telling.
After months of hysterics, rage, counseling, and finally acceptance, we separated.
The only way to overcome pain and heartache is to walk through the fire. I am not simplifying the process. We must feel the pain and all the emotions brought on by a betrayal.
It is one of life’s most difficult challenges, and it took several years for me to forgive and let go completely.
“Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” — Budda.
As it is often said, we become stronger, better, smarter, and more resilient by living through difficult times. I blindly stumbled into the inferno. From the ashes, I grew into the strong, capable woman I am today.
I was able to financially and emotionally support my children on my own. They grew into fine, successful men.
I am not afraid to love again, and indeed I have. I am now married to my high school sweetheart, reconnecting after 50 years. And life is good.
I’m fascinated with the super-healthy, uber-agers running, high-jumping, cycling their way into their 80’s, 90’s and beyond.
Though not extraordinary athletes, tens of thousands of “ordinary” older adults worldwide live life nimbly and gracefully. I am delighted that this abundant and active life is available to each of us, provided we follow specific suggestions.
According to Wendy Wood, a psychology professor at the University of Southern California, it takes three months for new habits to take hold, however, the biggest gain comes during the first month. So it’s important to stick with it initially.
I’ve selected these points that resonate with me from an article entitled: Live Longer Stronger Better. Quite a few of them are already part of my arsenal for staying fit and young-ish.
My top ten from the 60 suggestions offered by AARP and their panel of experts:
Make weekly exercise dates. It’s easy to talk yourself out of exercising but more difficult knowing someone depends on you. I enjoy exercise, so this isn’t that huge for me. However, I do tend to exercise longer when with a friend. Exercisers are 45% less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease.
Eat a salad daily. Again, an easy one for me, as I love salads and even order them when eating out. One serving a day of leafy greens was associated with slower cognitive decline.
Have a super berry dessert. Dark-colored berries like blueberries and blackberries contain compounds that fight inflammation and help protect your brain. I have a berry and super-greens smoothie almost every day as a mid-morning snack. (I eat a small breakfast early morning).
Read. Men and women who engage their minds most often through intellectual activities such as playing games or reading were 29% less likely to developdementia during a five-year follow-up period. Reports a 2018 Hong Kong study of adults 65 and older published in JAMA Psychiatry.
Once a week, try something new. I love this one. Listen to new music, sign up for a lecture, learn some words in another language. Lifelong learning is associated with improved brain health.
Resistance training. I’m not too fond of this one, yet I lift weights several days a week as I realize the fantastic benefits not only to our muscles but for our bones and balance, as well. Women who did just 20 to 59 minutes a week of muscle-strengthening exercises were 29% less likely to die during the 12-year study than those who did none.
Shake off the stress. Have a go-to ritual that you look forward to when the anxiety is flaring up. Call a friend, read your current novel for 30 minutes, whatever relaxes you. I would add having at least one friend you can count on to talk to through good times and bad is vitally important. And if you have several buddies with whom you socialize and enjoy sharing laughs and stories, better yet.
Cardio exercise. It is not a surprise how vital movement is. What is a surprise is women who averaged 4,400 hundred steps a day (compared with just 2,700 steps) were 41% less likely to die during a follow-up of 4.3 years. I love my Fitbit for tracking my steps.
Journal each day. Keeping a gratitude journal to count your blessings will help you keep perspective when hard times hit. I’m a daily diarist — one of the first things I do in the morning.
Do some diaphragmatic breathing. Work on taking deep breaths that expand your abdomen. I meditate daily and breathe deeply during this quiet time.
I wrote at length about the super-healthy athletes who in their 80’s, 90’s and even into their 100’s broke world records in cycling, power-lifting, and track and field events in my article Exercising Into Our Later Years atdianaleotta@Medium.com.
Sharon Hernstadt began powerlifting in her 60’s. Now a grandmother in her 80’s, Sharon is a five-time world and national champion who has set records at state and national levels.
Olga Kotelko was a track and field star well into her 90’s, taking this sport up at age 77 after realizing her strength was her speed when running bases in softball.
Julia “Hurricane” Hawkins took up running at age 100 when she decided it was no longer safe for her to continue mountain biking!
I’m not suggesting that we aspire to be extreme athletes like these women. However, we can certainly enter our 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and beyond exhibiting super health.
Are we willing to commit to change our habits and adopt some of the suggestions outlined above?
"When health is absent wisdom cannot reveal itself, art cannot manifest, strength cannot fight, wealth becomes useless and intelligence cannot be applied. "— Herophilus, the Father of Anatomy.
The following may be redundant, yet it does bear repeating:
" Gerontologists point to three arteries of life that contribute to aging well: staying fit with movement and diet; staying connected to a supportive and intimate community; staying engaged with lifelong brain activity, be it with gardening or crossword puzzles or continuing education classes. These super-agers make sure they have something to look forward to every day, which helps them stay relevant and instills a will to live. "— Gayle Kirschenbaum, The Ethel, online publication.
Ms. Kirschenbaum reminds us of super-agers Judi Dench, 86, who just released the film Blithe Spirit, Jane Fonda, 82, and Lily Tomlin, 81, stars of the Netflix hit Grace and Frankie. And Betty White, at age 99, was still at work as a voice actor in Toy Story 4.
They are astonishing women and constantly curious and interested in life and living beyond the norm.
We must be resolute in our determination to do all we can to be strong in mind and body well into our later years. So much is up to us.
"What the mind believes, the body embraces. "— from the book Growing Bolder by Marc Middleton.
When you were five or six, you absolutely, positively knew you wanted to be a nurse. For some, you envisioned being a— teacher. And for others, a firefighter.
Now that we’re all grown up and have our degrees and various other credentials to prove who and what we are, we’re happy. We’ve finally achieved our dreams. Or, have we?
Perhaps we wanted what we now have, yet; we are not feeling fulfilled entirely.
We grow, our circumstances change, life happens, and we wonder if the life we strived for is still serving us.
We’re questioning whether or not we’re happy. And, maybe we are satisfied in our careers, yet something is not quite right in our personal life. Or possibly it is our creative life that is lagging?
We have a nagging sense there is still something we desire, something yet for us to discover.
Or perhaps we have a clueof what we hunger for yet haven’t worked out the details.
We have provided for our families quite diligently and proudly. We have given our children all that they could conceivably need.
What is your heart’s desire? The time is now for you to revisit your awareness that there is something else for you to actualize.
"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. "— Amelia Earhart.
Twenty-odd years ago, I decided to release the idea that I had zero artistic talent and signed up for a watercolor class at the local community college. The lessons led me on the road to painting and eliminating that silly belief that I hadn’t any talent.
I learned it’s not about talent. It’s about skill. I acquired a craft that was fresh and brand new to me. Taking these classes and trying my hand at painting reiterated that striving is one of the most important qualities we should develop, regardless of our age.
Painting led me to try my hand at collage. Again, a novel endeavor that has become my current form of visual art. Collage guided me to venture into abstract art.
A friend familiar with my blog called me and suggested we become creative writing partners. I was hesitant (and afraid) as Meg was a retired creative writing professor. However, I accepted the opportunity (aka challenge).
I hadn’t theslightest indication that suggestion from Meg would lead me to submit articles several times a week to Medium.com.
I’m astonished at how much pleasure this newly discovered avocation has delivered. It is also another reminder to stay curious. Stay interested in life. Listen to that still quiet voice that whispers there is more for you yet to learn.
"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. "— Mark Twain.
What is your inner voice murmuring in your ear? What else do you want to accomplish in your life?
Give yourself the time and space to daydream.
What would you be doing if you could do anything? Be specific.
Consider what you might need to change to realize your dream, your vision.
Set a date for attainment.
Tell yourself the truth. Let the fear be present, yet do not allow it to stop you. You owe it to yourself to live a life of exploration, experimentation, and discovery.
If I hadn’t taken on Meg’s proposal, I wouldn’t have discovered my latest addiction — writing!
I now fill my days with ideas for my next article, along with a bit of trepidation that it will not be well-received. I put that emotion aside as the enthusiasm to continue to create is more significant than the fear.
Of course, I want to be successful and hope that people will read my articles. I’m not a foolish woman — I’m new at this and on an unbeaten path, learning every day. I acquire knowledge from the articles I read on Medium, take in the advice and march on.
