A New Friendship Later in Life

As a young adult it's easy to make friends as we have many opportunities to meet people. Most of us are either working or are stay at home moms - both ideal situations to make friends.  At work, it's obvious.  There will be other women there (unless, of course, it is a one woman office) and a man can be a good friend, too.  If we are staying home raising our children, there are many places to meet other moms: scouts, sports, school, etc.

But what happens when our children are grown and on their own?  If we're fortunate, we still have some of the friends we made when our children were little or when we were working.  Often though, some move, pass away or we simply outgrow one another.  Then what?

I'm blessed to have wonderful friends in California where I lived for over 40 years.  However, 5 1/2 years ago I moved to Arizona to join my sweetheart and I spend about 90% of my time there now.

I've made friends with several lovely women, wives of my husbands' friends, however, they are either not that close by or travel a great deal or already have dear friends and spend their time with them.

Three years ago I met a neighbor at a party.  She also is retired, one of the only in my neighborhood.  We exchanged phone numbers but it took us 6 months after our initial meeting to actually get together.  One day we decided to go for a morning walk.  Now we walk, hike or go to the gym together nearly every day.  Not only has she become an exercise partner, but a dear friend and  confidant and honestly, I wouldn't know what to do without her! We talk about our problems (and blessedly they are few), issues with relatives, dinner ideas, vacation plans - well, you name it! There's very little we don't share.  Having Shannon as a friend makes all the difference in how I feel about living here.  A woman needs more than a husband with which to share her life. The connection and warmth I have with Shannon fills me with happiness and the knowing that she is there for me and I for her.
xo

Acknowledgements

In my last post I mentioned three books that helped me immensely in my quest to be alcohol free.  However, there are several blogs that were of great support and inspiration and I continue to read them on a regular basis.  Some of them are: Soberistas.com,  Tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com, mummywasasecretdrinker.com, sexysobriety.com and Thisnakedmind.com. They are a constant reminder to me of why I stopped drinking and the stories of women sharing their journeys is motivating and encouraging. 

In addition to the three books in my post "Alcohol Free" published yesterday, further books that were of great assistance were: Mrs. D. is Going Without by Lotta Dann, Blackout by Sarah Hepola and Nothing Good Can Come of This by Kristi Coulter. There are several others. I believe this list is a good start for anyone thinking about giving up the drink.

I wish you the best in your exploration of the possibility of sobriety and would love to hear from you.
xo

Alcohol Free

In my previous three posts I gave you a peek into my drinking saga - from it's beginning many years ago to the very recent past.  And finally, I have found the solution. I must, want and will abstain completely from alcohol.  On September 12, 2018 I imbibed for the last time. I prepared myself for my final nights of indulging by having my last Manhattan on September 11 and my last Cosmo on September 12, my two all time favorite drinks.  I decided I wanted to exit the hamster wheel without regrets. And that I did.

I also read a small bookstore's worth of various tomes on how to quit drinking, why we should not drink, the signs of addiction, women and alcohol, etc. etc.  Some of my favorites and most informative are: Allen Carr's "Stop Drinking the Easy Way,"  Jason Vale's" Kick the Drink...Easily" and Annie Grace's "This Naked Mind", plus many autobiographies written by women addicted to alcohol who have successfully forsaken drinking and have found peace and joy in the sober life.

It has been over 5 months without a drop, sip or taste and I am thrilled to tell you life has never been better. No, it hasn't been a walk in the park and I'd be remiss if I didn't say there were many, and still are days when I really would like a lovely glass of Chardonnay, but I know that for me, that would be a glass I would regret.

I survived Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and my birthday without a drink, and though I would have liked to enjoy one, I knew it would be a mistake. When I went to bed on those nights I was thrilled and proud of myself for having had the willpower and determination to pass on the alcohol.

I have come to see myself as one who's days of enjoying alcohol are now behind me.  I realize that I am one of those people who cannot take it or leave it.  I am one who has a glass of wine and wants another.  No point whining (pun intended) about it.  That is who I am and I accept it.

I didn't realize that my brain was fuzzy and unclear a good part of my day due to having wine or cocktails the night before.  I chalked quite a bit of this up to "allergies".  Now, after five months, I have a clarity I'd only heard about, but didn't understand.  No more fuzzy brain.  No more tired, lethargic days.  I not only have energy on less sleep but my enthusiasm and zest for life has returned.  I'm actually writing a blog that I've been procrastinating on for several years.  I wouldn't trade this euphoric feeling for any drink in the world.  Yes, I still have bad days where things don't always go my way.  But, that is part of the human experience and I am happy to enjoy all of it as a non-drinking woman!
xo

Drinking - Part 3

After three months of complete abstention from alcohol, my S.O. and I went to New Jersey for his niece's wedding.  My intention was to enjoy the wedding, reception and the week with our families - alcohol-free.  So much for good intentions.

As soon as we arrived at the reception, my future sister-in-law and mother of the bride "insisted" I have a Cosmopolitan as she knew how much I enjoyed them.  Just one, she said. Certainly you can have one. Oh sure.  Lots of luck with that. Theresa is not like me.  She rarely drinks and when she does, one is plenty for her.  So we toasted to her daughter's and new son's-in-law marriage and I was off.  She had just the one and switched to diet soda.

The evening was lovely, we wined, dined and danced and when the time for the party to end arrived, several of us went to the hotel bar for a nightcap.  I had already had enough, but hey - it's a wedding for Pete's sake.  I ordered a Black Russian. Oh boy.

We finally got to bed at 2 a.m. We were due at the wedding brunch at 9 a.m. the following day.   I don't recall ever feeling as awful as I did that morning.  And I probably looked terrible, too.  A great reminder of why I quit drinking!

Over the next 2 years I quit drinking several times, sometimes for two months or more, but always found myself giving in to that little voice that convinced me one glass of wine is fine and I can always go back to not drinking tomorrow.

This see-saw relationship with alcohol was beginning to take it's toll on me both physically and emotionally.  I found that the things I usually enjoyed; hiking, reading, being with friends, dining out,  was supplanted with alcohol or the aftereffect of the previous night's indulgence. My life was becoming smaller and smaller, shrinking right before my tired eyes. 

What in God's name was I doing to myself?  How did this happen? I had to get a grip.  I had to do something?  Moderation?  Abstinence?

Well, I tried moderation in the past.  That didn't work, whether I limited the number of days a week I would drink or the number of drinks a day I would allow. Abstention was the only way.

More in my next post.
xo

More About Drinking

A little over 5 years ago I retired and began spending more time in Arizona with my "significant other" (I feel too old to call him my boyfriend!). He was already retired and settled into a quiet life of occasional lunches with buddies and tending to the pool and yard chores.  I had always been very active, and California - Marin County especially, supported this active lifestyle with it's perfect weather and many opportunities to be outdoors.

I hiked the hills of Marin and Sonoma with friends and kayaked with my son when I was lucky enough to catch a free day of his. In addition, I often would go to San Francisco's amazing museums with my sister or a friend to not only view art but to spend time soaking up the vibes of the City at outdoor cafes or strolling the charming neighborhoods and shops. In addition, there was always an art, wine or music festival to check out. It was a full, productive and busy life.

Not so much in AZ.  The summer months are unbearably hot and most activities take place indoors. Sure we have a pool but at times (most of the summer) the water would reach the 90's while the air temp was over 110! Not exactly refreshing. I must say, winters are lovely, except it gets very crowded as the "snowbirds" descend on us to get out of the cold Midwest.

My husband enjoys a late afternoon/early evening cocktail (or two) daily and I began partaking with him.  Mine usually consisted of a chilled glass of wine, but over the next couple of years together I also developed a hankering for a cocktail - often a Black Russian.

When I grew tired of the Black Russians, I moved on to Cosmopolitans.  After all, if the Sex and the City girls could indulge, why couldn't I?  And I became rather adept at mixing them just to my liking.

Accidentally, I discovered Manhattans.  I had a bad headache one day at a party and the bartender suggested that a Manhattan would be the cure.  Indeed it was!  As he handed it to me he said: "night, night!"   I didn't fall asleep but the headache disappeared.

Being a quick study, I learned how to make them at home and again, adjust them to my taste.

Right around this time I began to suspect there was a problem with alcohol for me.  It no longer was casual and light and social.  It became that I wanted/needed to have something every evening.  Often I would have not one, but two and sometimes three and regret it terribly, not only the next morning, but during the night when I would awake around 2 or 3 am in a hot, panicky state, angry at myself for overdoing. I would resolve that tomorrow would be different, that I wouldn't drink at all, or if I did - it would be one glass of wine. Period.  Sometimes I would be able to keep to my plan, other times not.

In the spring of 2016  I discovered a book by Annie Grace called This Naked Mind and it was all about drinking and specifically women and drinking, though it was written for all.

On May 9 of that year I went to South Dakota to visit my son at graduate school.  This was the perfect opportunity to not only read the book, but since he seldom drinks, to be alcohol-free for the four or so days we would be together.

My plan worked and I didn't drink while there or for the following three months!  I was ecstatic and feeling great and extremely proud of myself.

Then a trip to New Jersey came up.............

We'll pick this up in the next post.
xo

Drinking

Ah, that lovely glass of chilled chardonnay with dinner.  Or before.  Or after. Or with lunch. Or just because, for that matter.  Or, if you prefer red, how about a lovely Cabernet or Pinot Noir?  Or does your taste lean more towards a cocktail?  Maybe a perfectly shaken rosy pink Cosmopolitan or a top shelf Manhattan? I've indulged in all of these at one time or another.  Love all of them.  Problem is I love them too much.

My drinking began as a teenager growing up in New Jersey in the '60's.  Alcohol was the drug of choice for most at that time, with marijuana just coming into vogue, as was hallucinogenics. However, I wasn't interested in them.  I preferred the buzz of alcohol and so did most of my friends. The drinking in those days was limited to weekends.  Beer for the guys and mostly sweet wines for the girls.  Sometimes we sipped like ladies other times drank till we got sick and/or passed out. Most of this drinking took place at drive-in movies with our boyfriends or parties with our friends.

When we reached 18 (okay, maybe before for those of us with a fake ID) we would drive over the border to New York where the drinking age was 18 (N.J. was 21).  We would frequent the bars that were filled with young people of all ages and from many different towns.  The goal was the same - get hammered and have a fun night.  Sometimes (many times really) I wonder how is it that we didn't get killed in a drunken car accident driving home. We were foolish, reckless and plain dumb. Yes, at times, we would have a designated driver, but more often than not, we didn't.

As I matured, I developed a more refined taste for better wine and sophisticated cocktails.  I felt so grown up to order an alcoholic drink in a restaurant or bar.

From that time to the very recent past, I continued drinking, both at home and out on the town.  This is what everyone did.  Didn't they? The only times in my adult life I didn't drink at all was during my two pregnancies.

Now, I'm not saying I drank every night.  I did work most of those years and had to have my wits about me, however, for sure I imbibed every Friday, Saturday and often Sunday afternoons.

A few years ago I began to question my drinking.  I realized I'd gotten to the point where my drinking was more of a habit than a choice. Or was it an addiction? Sure, I could go a night or two without a glass of wine, but by the third day I was almost desperate for it.  Could I be addicted?

We'll pick this up in my next post.
xo