Let Go of the Need to Control Life

 

Get on that raft and float down the river of life.

Photo by Amruth Pillai on Unsplash

I was running, doing, racing, hurrying. Wait — why? What’s the big rush?

I’m a true fan of The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. I’m more than a fan as this book has become a bible of sorts for me. 

Untethered has led me out of many a dark place. It has also reminded me that our sole purpose for being on this planet is to experience joy.

How many of us are doing that regularly— experiencing joy?

Recently I’ve been suffering abdominal issues, and I know the source is stress.

Why the heck do I have stress? I’m retired, live a life many would envy. I have a husband who loves me, a son I adore, dear friends who fill my life with fun and laughter. And a precious Golden Retriever named Merlin slobbers me with unconditional love.

Still, stress is present in my life.

I must take full responsibility for this tension.

In a conversation during a break between pickleball matches, several friends and I were discussing my tummy trouble. Maryann suggested thoroughly chewing my food, as we do not benefit from the enzymes in our meals if we eat too quickly. Enzymes could help me.

Slow down my eating? Of course. How could I have forgotten this simple technique?

Sure, I’ve told myself this a dozen times — slow down, taste the food, enjoy and savor every bite. I try. Sometimes I manage to restrain myself and even linger a bit over each meal. 

I often want to finish to get on to the next project, even if that means loading the dishwasher and tidying up the kitchen.

Rushing through a meal is not an isolated incident. I tend to do this with many issues throughout my day.

The natural flow of life doesn’t want us to race through our days. Why do we persist in this marathon?

I know for sure, I’m not alone in this foolishness. My buddies on the court nodded in agreement, adding their frustration with this big rush to get on with the next item on our full agendas.

I’m determined to stop this insanity.

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Re-enter Michael A. Singer and his second best-seller, The Surrender Experiment. I have only read The Premise thus far. The first part of Section One — four measly pages, and already I am Know (with a capital K) this book could be life-changing if I follow it.

The Premise is — Go with the flow of life instead of fighting it. 

Mr. Singer points out the universe has been around for 13.8 billion years and doing quite well independently without our assistance.

He asks the question:

"…what would happen if we respected the flow of life and used our free will to participate in what’s unfolding, instead of fighting it? What would be the quality of life that unfolds? Would it just be random events with no order or meaning, or would the same perfection of order and meaning that manifests in the rest of the universe in the everyday life around us?"

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Again going with life’s flow is not a new concept. 

In the ‘70’s spiritual author, self-help, and motivational speaker Wayne Dyer wrote and often spoke about rowing our boats gently down the stream. He repeatedly lectured not to paddle upstream — always downstream, going with the flow. 

I “got” it then, when I was much younger, and attempted to go with the flow, never fully succeeding but always striving for ease.

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No, we won’t let life befall us willy nilly. 

As Mr. Singer writes:

"Let’s be clear right from the start, however, that this type of surrender does not mean living life without the assertion of will. My story … is simply the story of what happened when the assertion of will was guided by what life was doing instead of what I wanted it to be doing. My personal experience is that aligning one's will with the natural forces unfolding around us leads to some surprisingly powerful results."

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I plan to continue writing daily, as I love to do. It fills me with happiness and expectation. What I — and all writers cannot control — is the result of our writing. 

Let’s let go of our complaining that we don't have many readers, or other writers getting more views. Instead, let’s turn out our best work and surrender to the flow.

Now, in the Third Third of my life, I want to slow down, relish every moment and allow life to unfold as naturally as possible. Perhaps it’s time to give this idea serious implementation — with the guidance of Mr. Singer and The Surrender Experience.

My ultimate goal is to live a life of ease in every sense of the word.

Is Pain a Part of Being Alive?

 If pain is inevitable, what do we do about it?

Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash

I felt my heart shatter into a thousand tiny pieces as though it was a piece of fragile porcelain. How could he discard me so easily?

What do you do when someone hurts you? Pain is unavoidable if you are alive.

One of life’s most difficult and painful situations is also one of the most fulfilling and emotionally satisfying: love relationships.

I married at a young age, 24. At the time, way back in the dark ages of the ’70s, it was not considered young. I loved my husband but was not “in love” with him. Due to various reasons, such as pressure from my parents and my friends, I married him.

Two short years later, a handsome man with striking bluish-green eyes and black hair, wearing an impeccably tailored suit, walked into my office for his first day at work. One look at him and his “I dare you” smile, and I was toast.

Fast forward another two years, he and I scandalously left our spouses and hightailed it to the sunny shores of California.

It was the first time I felt absolutely “in love,” and it was terrifying. I believe I existed for several years with non-stop butterflies in my stomach. 

Yet, something wasn’t quite right. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something awry. As I was to find out, it was my intuition telling me to be on guard.

He treated me like a queen. He brought me flowers. Showered me in lovely jewelry, beautiful leather coats and took me out to dinner to the chicest, trendiest restaurants in San Francisco. I was in heaven, except for the underlying, profoundly irritating nagging in my gut. I tried my best to ignore it, at times successfully.

Photo by Cosiela Borta on Unsplash

We married, had two beautiful sons when the covert trouble began to brew. It had been simmering for years, as my instincts were trying to communicate to me. The signs something was amiss persisted, yet I couldn’t put my finger on it.

He had late “appointments” with clients, a deal that took longer than expected. You get the picture. Meanwhile, I resorted to burying my head in the sand. The pain was beginning to creep in and was commandeering more than my tummy. It had spread into my heart. Yet, I wasn’t ready to face it.

I was a stay-at-home mother and wife, loving the role, and my husband was a bountiful provider until he wasn’t.

One day I arrived home to find a notice taped to my door saying I had 90 days to vacate as the bank took my home due to non-payment of our mortgage. 

Wait a minute! My home? How could this be? He was making plenty of money. We had the latest cars, a boat, a home that we loved, all the signs that we were doing well. There must be a mistake.

No mistake.

Rather than pay the mortgage and various other bills, the money disappeared up his nose. There wasn’t any money left to catch up on our back payments. We were three months behind in the mortgage, he maxed out the credit cards, and I was neglectfully unaware.

Don’t get me wrong. I take full responsibility for my ignorance. I allowed my husband to control all finances, and he cleverly had the bills sent to his office.

“Blame is irrelevant if only because it changes nothing.” — Aryn Kyle, author of The God of Animals.

I had yet to find out even more devastating news. Yes, you guessed it. The “loving” husband had a girlfriend. Later I found out; there were quite a few preceding her, hence, the ongoing gnawing feeling that something was off.

How did I remain so oblivious, you may ask? Again, the persistent intuition that I relentlessly chose to ignore — a part of me knew. However, whenever I allowed my mind to go there, I was paralyzed with fear and a sickening pain.

This man broke my heart in several places. I suffered the loss of my greatest love, and my marriage was in shreds. I had to endure the pain of informing our children their dad would no longer be living with us, knowing this would break their hearts, as well. 

There was the shame of being replaced by another woman and the fear of financial catastrophe. I also knew that I would have to inform family and friends of this intense ordeal, reliving it repeatedly in the re-telling.

After months of hysterics, rage, counseling, and finally acceptance, we separated.

The only way to overcome pain and heartache is to walk through the fire. I am not simplifying the process. We must feel the pain and all the emotions brought on by a betrayal. 

It is one of life’s most difficult challenges, and it took several years for me to forgive and let go completely.

“Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” — Budda.

As it is often said, we become stronger, better, smarter, and more resilient by living through difficult times. I blindly stumbled into the inferno. From the ashes, I grew into the strong, capable woman I am today.

I was able to financially and emotionally support my children on my own. They grew into fine, successful men.

I am not afraid to love again, and indeed I have. I am now married to my high school sweetheart, reconnecting after 50 years. And life is good.

10 Ways to Live Longer Better

How to live well, well into our older years.

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

I’m fascinated with the super-healthy, uber-agers running, high-jumping, cycling their way into their 80’s, 90’s and beyond.

Though not extraordinary athletes, tens of thousands of “ordinary” older adults worldwide live life nimbly and gracefully. I am delighted that this abundant and active life is available to each of us, provided we follow specific suggestions.

According to Wendy Wood, a psychology professor at the University of Southern California, it takes three months for new habits to take hold, however, the biggest gain comes during the first month. So it’s important to stick with it initially.

I’ve selected these points that resonate with me from an article entitled: Live Longer Stronger Better. Quite a few of them are already part of my arsenal for staying fit and young-ish.

My top ten from the 60 suggestions offered by AARP and their panel of experts:

• Make weekly exercise dates. It’s easy to talk yourself out of exercising but more difficult knowing someone depends on you. I enjoy exercise, so this isn’t that huge for me. However, I do tend to exercise longer when with a friend. Exercisers are 45% less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease.
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• Eat a salad daily. Again, an easy one for me, as I love salads and even order them when eating out. One serving a day of leafy greens was associated with slower cognitive decline.
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• Have a super berry dessert. Dark-colored berries like blueberries and blackberries contain compounds that fight inflammation and help protect your brain. I have a berry and super-greens smoothie almost every day as a mid-morning snack. (I eat a small breakfast early morning).
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• Read. Men and women who engage their minds most often through intellectual activities such as playing games or reading were 29% less likely to develop dementia during a five-year follow-up period. Reports a 2018 Hong Kong study of adults 65 and older published in JAMA Psychiatry.
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• Once a week, try something new. I love this one. Listen to new music, sign up for a lecture, learn some words in another language. Lifelong learning is associated with improved brain health.
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• Resistance training. I’m not too fond of this one, yet I lift weights several days a week as I realize the fantastic benefits not only to our muscles but for our bones and balance, as well. Women who did just 20 to 59 minutes a week of muscle-strengthening exercises were 29% less likely to die during the 12-year study than those who did none.
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• Shake off the stress. Have a go-to ritual that you look forward to when the anxiety is flaring up. Call a friend, read your current novel for 30 minutes, whatever relaxes you. I would add having at least one friend you can count on to talk to through good times and bad is vitally important. And if you have several buddies with whom you socialize and enjoy sharing laughs and stories, better yet.
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• Cardio exercise. It is not a surprise how vital movement is. What is a surprise is women who averaged 4,400 hundred steps a day (compared with just 2,700 steps) were 41% less likely to die during a follow-up of 4.3 years. I love my Fitbit for tracking my steps.
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• Journal each day. Keeping a gratitude journal to count your blessings will help you keep perspective when hard times hit. I’m a daily diarist — one of the first things I do in the morning.
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• Do some diaphragmatic breathing. Work on taking deep breaths that expand your abdomen. I meditate daily and breathe deeply during this quiet time.

I wrote at length about the super-healthy athletes who in their 80’s, 90’s and even into their 100’s broke world records in cycling, power-lifting, and track and field events in my article Exercising Into Our Later Years at dianaleotta@Medium.com.

Sharon Hernstadt began powerlifting in her 60’s. Now a grandmother in her 80’s, Sharon is a five-time world and national champion who has set records at state and national levels.

Olga Kotelko was a track and field star well into her 90’s, taking this sport up at age 77 after realizing her strength was her speed when running bases in softball.

Julia “Hurricane” Hawkins took up running at age 100 when she decided it was no longer safe for her to continue mountain biking!

I’m not suggesting that we aspire to be extreme athletes like these women. However, we can certainly enter our 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and beyond exhibiting super health.

Are we willing to commit to change our habits and adopt some of the suggestions outlined above?

 

"When health is absent wisdom cannot reveal itself, art cannot manifest, strength cannot fight, wealth becomes useless and intelligence cannot be applied. "— Herophilus, the Father of Anatomy.

Photo by Arifur Rahman on Unsplash

The following may be redundant, yet it does bear repeating:

" Gerontologists point to three arteries of life that contribute to aging well: staying fit with movement and diet; staying connected to a supportive and intimate community; staying engaged with lifelong brain activity, be it with gardening or crossword puzzles or continuing education classes. These super-agers make sure they have something to look forward to every day, which helps them stay relevant and instills a will to live. "— Gayle Kirschenbaum, The Ethel, online publication.

Ms. Kirschenbaum reminds us of super-agers Judi Dench, 86, who just released the film Blithe Spirit, Jane Fonda, 82, and Lily Tomlin, 81, stars of the Netflix hit Grace and Frankie. And Betty White, at age 99, was still at work as a voice actor in Toy Story 4.

They are astonishing women and constantly curious and interested in life and living beyond the norm.

We must be resolute in our determination to do all we can to be strong in mind and body well into our later years. So much is up to us.

"What the mind believes, the body embraces. "— from the book Growing Bolder by Marc Middleton.

What Is Your Heart's Desire?

 

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If we don’t know, we’ll never achieve it.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

When you were five or six, you absolutely, positively knew you wanted to be a nurse. For some, you envisioned being a— teacher. And for others, a firefighter. 

Now that we’re all grown up and have our degrees and various other credentials to prove who and what we are, we’re happy. We’ve finally achieved our dreams. Or, have we?

Perhaps we wanted what we now have, yet; we are not feeling fulfilled entirely.

We grow, our circumstances change, life happens, and we wonder if the life we strived for is still serving us.

We’re questioning whether or not we’re happy. And, maybe we are satisfied in our careers, yet something is not quite right in our personal life. Or possibly it is our creative life that is lagging? 

We have a nagging sense there is still something we desire, something yet for us to discover.

Photo by Kalen Emsley on Unsplash

Or perhaps we have a clue of what we hunger for yet haven’t worked out the details.

We have provided for our families quite diligently and proudly. We have given our children all that they could conceivably need.

What is your heart’s desire? The time is now for you to revisit your awareness that there is something else for you to actualize.

"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. "— Amelia Earhart.

Twenty-odd years ago, I decided to release the idea that I had zero artistic talent and signed up for a watercolor class at the local community college. The lessons led me on the road to painting and eliminating that silly belief that I hadn’t any talent. 

I learned it’s not about talent. It’s about skill. I acquired a craft that was fresh and brand new to me. Taking these classes and trying my hand at painting reiterated that striving is one of the most important qualities we should develop, regardless of our age.

Painting led me to try my hand at collage. Again, a novel endeavor that has become my current form of visual art. Collage guided me to venture into abstract art. 

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During the time I was experimenting with various art forms, I began my blog strong55plus.blogspot.com. 

A friend familiar with my blog called me and suggested we become creative writing partners. I was hesitant (and afraid) as Meg was a retired creative writing professor. However, I accepted the opportunity (aka challenge).

I hadn’t the slightest indication that suggestion from Meg would lead me to submit articles several times a week to Medium.com. 

I’m astonished at how much pleasure this newly discovered avocation has delivered. It is also another reminder to stay curious. Stay interested in life. Listen to that still quiet voice that whispers there is more for you yet to learn.

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. "— Mark Twain.

What is your inner voice murmuring in your ear? What else do you want to accomplish in your life?

• Give yourself the time and space to daydream. 
• What would you be doing if you could do anything? Be specific.
• Consider what you might need to change to realize your dream, your vision.
• Set a date for attainment.

Tell yourself the truth. Let the fear be present, yet do not allow it to stop you. You owe it to yourself to live a life of exploration, experimentation, and discovery.

If I hadn’t taken on Meg’s proposal, I wouldn’t have discovered my latest addiction — writing! 

I now fill my days with ideas for my next article, along with a bit of trepidation that it will not be well-received. I put that emotion aside as the enthusiasm to continue to create is more significant than the fear.

Of course, I want to be successful and hope that people will read my articles. I’m not a foolish woman — I’m new at this and on an unbeaten path, learning every day. I acquire knowledge from the articles I read on Medium, take in the advice and march on.

We must be our heroines and heroes. 

Are You Saving Your Special Possessions?

 Everyday life is too important. Use the good stuff now.

Photo by Mikel Parera on Unsplash

A year or so ago, I decided to wear my “good” jewelry whenever I darn felt like it.

Ordinarily, I would don these items only when going to a party or out to dinner with friends.

I love my diamond tennis bracelet, yet it spent more time in the doggone jewelry drawer than on my wrist. I don’t even wear my beautiful engagement ring every day. And, there are the gold hoop earrings and several other pieces of jewelry lying dormant awaiting their turns to have an outing.

Now that I’ve entered the Third Third of my life, changes are occurring. I’m taking a hard look at life and wondering for what reason am I saving these items?

Don’t misunderstand me. I expect and plan on being on this planet for another 20 years, minimum. With any luck — 30 years! Still, today could be the best day of my life, and I want to honor and adorn it.

I am now wearing my tennis bracelet when playing pickleball, grocery shopping, or whenever I damn well feel like it. Same with the earrings and precious rings.

Life is ours to be spent, not to be saved. — D.H. Lawrence, English novelist, poet, playwright.

Is your everyday flatware disappearing? I seem to run out of forks before the dishwasher is full. To where in God’s green earth do these items abscond? Rather than handwashing the used cutlery, I’ve added the “real” silver to my daily fork inventory.

My husband was appalled and wondered how could I, after all, it’s silver!? Why not? — was my reply. Plus, they won’t tarnish when used regularly. Again, why save the special utensils for guests? We’re special enough.

Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed. — Wayne Dyer, self-help and spiritual author and motivational speaker.

My good friend, Mia, loves cowboys and horses, and I owned a print of a rugged cowboy on horseback that she adored. I promised if I left this earth before her, she would inherit it.

In my last move to another home, I decided to gift Mia with this piece of art. She was beside herself with glee and appreciation. The painting now has a prominent place in her home. Mia enjoys it every day, and I don’t miss it at all.

I wouldn’t expect you to wear a cashmere sweater while cleaning the shower or wearing a diamond ring when scouring a pan. We do need to be somewhat sensible about it.

Photo by Eleni Trapp on Unsplash

Still, I say enjoy those cherished and perhaps costly pieces now. Celebrate today. Tomorrow is not promised.

Is There Ever a Time to Stop Growing?

 

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When you stop growing, you also stop thriving. Is the fear of failure holding you back?

Photo by Katya Austin on Unsplash

Isn’t thriving part of being alive, part of being human? If we quit growing, we begin dying — a dull, sluggish death.

As a plant becomes root-bound in its pot, soon to die, we, too, become diminished by the inactivity of mind and body. When the mind ceases to grow, the physical body begins a slow decline into decrepitude. 

 

"Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up. "— Robert Schuller, Christian pastor, and author.

Growing means trying something new, often. Maybe not daily, but for Pete's sake, at least weekly. 

This “something new” could be as simple as sampling new food, smelling a flower you have never sniffed before, or as grand as visiting a foreign country. 

Stretch yourself.

If you’re a reader and not a writer, try your hand at penning a poem or an essay. If you’re a writer and not a massive consumer of the written word, give a go at reading a piece of literature you would usually pass up. For me, this would be a piece in the areas of theology or science. I typically shy away from these subjects.

I stretched.

Over 20 years ago, I picked up a paintbrush for the first time. I was terrified. I questioned if I should even give painting a shot. 

My fear increased as I entered the art class and faded somewhat as I grew more assured. The alarm began growing again as I could not fathom how to make the sky in my painting resemble the real thing!

Through lessons and on my own, I gradually became satisfied with my sky with continued practice.

This ebb and flow of fear/self-confidence continued with each new painting and often with every stroke. Persevere, I did, ultimately feeling proud of the numerous art pieces I completed.

I was able to transfer this self-assurance into designing collages. Again, the fear and insecurity appeared only to dissipate with each creation completed.

I know you, too, have experienced this fluctuation in self-confidence as you attempted a new endeavor. 

Photo by Evgeni Tcherkasski on Unsplash

Experiencing an unfamiliar event brings up our fear and resistance, our ego’s way of protecting us from failure.

There is no such thing as failure if you are trying. The only defeat is in not examining the challenge or forsaking the opportunity rather than seizing it.

 

"I’ve failed over and over again in my life and that is why I have succeeded. "— Michael Jordan, basketball player and businessman.

When you were a toddler attempting to take your first step and fell, you may have cried, yet the thought of not getting up wasn’t even a consideration. Growing and learning were exciting and thrilling then. It’s only later, when our egos have developed, that the shame of failure takes hold.

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Elle Luna writes this about growth in her book The Crossroads of Should and Must — Find and Follow Your Passion:

The snake is the ancient sacred symbol for transformation. In order to grow, it must shed its skin. This process is painful, dangerous, and necessary for growth. The snake’s insides are literally outgrowing its outside, and it must remove its restrictive, outermost layer.

The snake rubs and scratches, feeling that something’s not quite right. During the process, it's coloring sometimes shifts to an indigo blue hue. If for some reason the snake cannot shed its skin, over time it will become malnourished, possibly even blind, and it will die from its inability to grow.

But when it successfully completes the process, the snake emerges stronger and healthier — a new incarnation.

And so, for us, a level of transformation takes place every time we step outside our comfort zone, break through the resistance, and summon our courage and accept the challenge that awaits us.

"Success means going from one failure to another without loss of enthusiasm. "— Winston Churchill.

Stopped In Your Tracks by Excuses?

 

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Let go of your excuses and live a creative life.

Photo by Sangga Rima Roman Selia on Unsplash

I’m too old. I can’t afford it. I don’t have the time. Yadda yadda. How long can we make excuses why we aren't able to do the “thing” we want to do?

When are we going to stop this distorted way of thinking and get on with pursuing our dreams?

I lived many years hog-tied by one excuse after another. I know many of you have, as well. A good deal of these excuses seemed valid. After all, we have a family to support and can’t abandon our responsibilities for some silly idea. We have bills to pay, a mortgage that’s due, remember?

Wayne Dyer was an American self-help and spiritual author and motivational speaker and one of my favorites. He formulated a list of the top excuses people have for not fulfilling their desires. These are ten from his list that resonates with me, and I believe you will recognize them as well:

1. I’m too old (or too young).
2. I don’t deserve it.
3. I don’t have the money.
4. I don’t have the time or energy.
5. My family would disapprove.
6. I don’t know how.
7. I’ve never done this before.
8. I don’t have the right training, degree.
9. It’s going to be risky.
10. I’m scared.

And these are the ones I used most often throughout my life:

1. I don’t deserve it.
2. I don’t have the right training or degree.
3. I’m scared.
4. I don’t have the time.

What about you? Being scared or I don’t deserve is hidden within every one of the excuses.

If you are courageous and believe you deserve your dream, you wouldn't have excuses at all. This may be an oversimplification; however, that is how it was for me.

Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash

Excuses become a part of our habitual thinking. This type of reasoning can only do one thing — drag us down. Is that what we want for our lives? Of course, not. Then why do we persist in making excuses? 

You got it — the F word — fear. The good news is this fear is, for the most part, baseless. This does not mean it will change because we recognize this. However, awareness is the first step to change any behavior.

Courage is one step ahead of fear. — Coleman Young, American politician and first African-American Mayor of Detroit.

Unfortunately, the more you make excuses, the easier it is to make even more excuses, according to Dominic Soh of Thrive Global. I tend to agree with that —  the power of repetition.

Break the chain of repetition by taking a baby step toward your goal, just one. Then take another. You will gain a bit more courage with each forward action. In addition, an unexpected opening will often occur that moves you even further along with each movement. Call it the Universe lending a hand or a synchronistic gift — whatever we choose to name it, let’s say thank you.

Life shrinks or expands according to one’s courage. — Anais Nin.

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I am so enjoying my newfound avocation — writing. However, I’ve been whining internally that I don’t have enough time for it—one of my top four excuses.

How can that be — I’m retired. Sure, I still have responsibilities, but that is a far cry from those working full-time AND writing! What is my problem, and how can I be so busy?

The truth? I also love playing pickleball, hiking, and walking with my friend, Shannon, and our dogs. I also have a husband, and being a “good” wife, I want/should spend time with him. So, I do. Also, I feel the need to make dinner a few nights a week — hubby does get hungry. Oh yeah, and tidying the house, a bit of shopping — the chores that keep reappearing week after week. Bottom line — get up earlier to write, stay up later to edit, quit wasting time on nonsensical media stuff, whatever it takes — get on with it and quit complaining.

That eliminates that excuse — I don’t have the time is B.S. Make the time for what’s important. 

And again, to all the full-time workers — you do have more of a challenge. Yet you can carve out bits and pieces of time hither and yon. I know you’re creative and have already figured it out.

The I’m scared excuse held me back for a long time though I never admitted it to anyone, including myself. Being afraid was often the reason I didn’t take on a challenge or new goal. Subconsciously, I deferred to one of the other popular excuse choices. 

I’ve finally given up that habit and taken on a few things that scared me, and the results have been exceedingly worthwhile.

I was afraid to try pickleball — I don't know how, I’ve never done this before, I’m scared, all appeared. I signed up for group classes and had a ball, and now pickleball is my obsession. Plus, I now have a group of equally captivated women I now call friends.

Writing and publishing on Medium was a goal of mine — except for the fear and the lack of training or degree excuses that held me back. That is until my friend, Meg, talked me out of those silly memes, and here I am on Medium.

I’m sure I’m not an isolated example of a writer afraid to publish on this platform or any of the other options available. You have been an example to me and I thank you for your guidance and wise, insightful writing.

People of all ages, occupations, and cultures have overcome their excuses because the desire was greater than the pretext. Olympic athletes, Oscar and Tony award-winning actors, incredible musicians, artists of every ilk, extraordinary doers all over the globe have overcome their excuses to live the life of their dreams. 

We must push past our excuses and take action to achieve our vision. After all, this is the only life we have.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. — Lao Tzu, Ancient Chinese philosopher.

Childhood Wounds and Our Lives Today

 

Does our childhood affect us as adults?

Photo by Boston Public Library on Unsplash

My mind was whirling; I was on the verge of tears. I knew my face was red with embarrassment and fear. My father was holding the garden hose and yelling at me from across the yard. Could the neighbors hear? “Can’t you even figure out how to turn the damn water on! What is wrong with you?”

How is it possible that more than five decades have passed and I still remember this event? The scars remain. I didn’t have an easy childhood. Did you? I know many have had it far worse than me, and I’m sorry for you. Our parents did the best they could with what they knew, or so I’ve been told. And I believe that, kind of. 

That does not change the past. It does not make it okay that my father took his belt to my sister and me, on our rear ends and our backs for transgressions mild or perhaps even non-existent. Roller skates left in the driveway. Playing outside after the street lights came on, our curfew. No, it wasn’t right. He should have known better. Any human would know better.

Perusing my bookshelf, I came across Louise Hay’s international bestseller You Can Heal Your Life. I have read this book countless times, and it never fails to enlighten and remind me of what I have learned throughout my life. She states:

"When we are very little, we learn how to feel about ourselves and about life by the reactions of the adults around us."

My father’s reaction to my confusion while turning on the faucet created fear and feelings of inferiority. 

I wanted him to love me, to like me, to accept me. Now I know; he did not love, like, or accept himself. Still, that is not an excuse to be abusive, emotionally and physically. Child Protective Services would intervene if that happened today.

In retrospect, we understand so much. My father attended art school in New York City and was a working artist until I was born. My sister was born the year before, but having a second child put the expenses far beyond his income. He had to relinquish his dream of becoming an artist.

My dad took a job he detested to support our small family, with my mom helping out with a part-time job. He was stressed, and he took it out on my sister and me. My twin brother and sister, born five years later, managed to escape his fury. 

Oh, and he was a drinker. Well, maybe an alcoholic. That may have had a little something to do with the fact that he was always angry, impatient, and a bully.

We moved from the city to the New Jersey suburbs of Bergen County when I was eight to a modest-sized three bedrooms two bath home with a huge yard, three cherry trees, a pear tree, and a quince (whatever that was) tree. This home was the first one my parents bought, and it was an exciting time for all.

It was a lovely white clapboard house, with black shutters and a wrap-around porch. Maybe not beautiful enough to satisfy the gaping hole I had in my being — reasons unclear at that age.

I wrote a letter to the friend I left behind, Anita Lang, telling her of the gorgeous, gigantic home with a swimming pool I now called my residence. The effects of my father’s heavy-handed child-raising already affected me, or what other reason could there be that I would lie? My shame was already deeply embedded within me.

Horrified was I when I answered the doorbell several months after mailing the letter and there stood Anita at my front door! This house was clearly not the one I wrote about in my letter. My lie and my humiliation were crushing. How do I explain this? Will she forgive me for my deceitful fantasy? Perhaps she did, but our friendship was over.

Enter the high school years, and my sister and I had a ball — at least when we were away from home. Rarely did we invite friends over for fear our father would explode over something minor, either at us, my siblings or my mother. 

Michele and I learned to self-medicate by filling a jar with alcohol snitched from several different bottles — a little vodka, maybe some brandy, a dash of rum. Ugh. It was gross, but it did the job. 

My sister and I always slapped on a happy, carefree face when we were with our friends. The shame we hid was too much to share. At least we had each other.

My mother was a gifted cook and baker. Every Christmas season, she would stay up till two or three in the morning baking delicacies — flaky pastries, butter cookies dipped in chocolate, pink and white shortbread candy canes dusted with crushed peppermint candy- what delightful treats. 

We would have a Christmas Eve party with the highlight guests being my grandmother and my aunt Marian — my father’s mother and sister, along with Marian’s children, my cousins.

Sadly, my most prevalent memory of those events was my father growing increasingly agitated, awaiting the guests of honor. He would have a cocktail, then another, pacing and anticipating their arrival, threatening to lock them out if they didn’t appear soon.

Eventually, they would arrive and smooth over the ruffled feathers, and the evening would proceed without further upsets.

My father’s behavior elicited nervousness and apprehension; despite my efforts to enjoy the evening, he ruined the party for me.

The Christmas Eve upset wasn’t an isolated event. I spent my days in constant worry my father would erupt or arrive from work agitated or fuming. I lived my childhood in fear and anxiety.

Photo by Daria Nepriakhina on Unsplash

Not surprisingly, as an adult, I was a people pleaser. I couldn’t please my father; perhaps I could please others. For years, this was my approach. 

As you may have guessed, I sought out husbands who resembled my dad in many ways. Crazy, I know.

"You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. "— A.A. Milne/Christopher Robin.

I’m okay today by navigating through rough waters, making tons of mistakes, and reading a library’s worth of “self-development” books, psychology texts, and spiritual works. I have learned I am more than okay. I am a woman of power and strength and fully deserving of love.

Each of us is on a journey. We are put on earth to love and enjoy life, not suffer, though pain is part of the adventure. We have become the being we are because of our past, not despite it.