Is Pain a Part of Being Alive?

 If pain is inevitable, what do we do about it?

Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash

I felt my heart shatter into a thousand tiny pieces as though it was a piece of fragile porcelain. How could he discard me so easily?

What do you do when someone hurts you? Pain is unavoidable if you are alive.

One of life’s most difficult and painful situations is also one of the most fulfilling and emotionally satisfying: love relationships.

I married at a young age, 24. At the time, way back in the dark ages of the ’70s, it was not considered young. I loved my husband but was not “in love” with him. Due to various reasons, such as pressure from my parents and my friends, I married him.

Two short years later, a handsome man with striking bluish-green eyes and black hair, wearing an impeccably tailored suit, walked into my office for his first day at work. One look at him and his “I dare you” smile, and I was toast.

Fast forward another two years, he and I scandalously left our spouses and hightailed it to the sunny shores of California.

It was the first time I felt absolutely “in love,” and it was terrifying. I believe I existed for several years with non-stop butterflies in my stomach. 

Yet, something wasn’t quite right. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something awry. As I was to find out, it was my intuition telling me to be on guard.

He treated me like a queen. He brought me flowers. Showered me in lovely jewelry, beautiful leather coats and took me out to dinner to the chicest, trendiest restaurants in San Francisco. I was in heaven, except for the underlying, profoundly irritating nagging in my gut. I tried my best to ignore it, at times successfully.

Photo by Cosiela Borta on Unsplash

We married, had two beautiful sons when the covert trouble began to brew. It had been simmering for years, as my instincts were trying to communicate to me. The signs something was amiss persisted, yet I couldn’t put my finger on it.

He had late “appointments” with clients, a deal that took longer than expected. You get the picture. Meanwhile, I resorted to burying my head in the sand. The pain was beginning to creep in and was commandeering more than my tummy. It had spread into my heart. Yet, I wasn’t ready to face it.

I was a stay-at-home mother and wife, loving the role, and my husband was a bountiful provider until he wasn’t.

One day I arrived home to find a notice taped to my door saying I had 90 days to vacate as the bank took my home due to non-payment of our mortgage. 

Wait a minute! My home? How could this be? He was making plenty of money. We had the latest cars, a boat, a home that we loved, all the signs that we were doing well. There must be a mistake.

No mistake.

Rather than pay the mortgage and various other bills, the money disappeared up his nose. There wasn’t any money left to catch up on our back payments. We were three months behind in the mortgage, he maxed out the credit cards, and I was neglectfully unaware.

Don’t get me wrong. I take full responsibility for my ignorance. I allowed my husband to control all finances, and he cleverly had the bills sent to his office.

“Blame is irrelevant if only because it changes nothing.” — Aryn Kyle, author of The God of Animals.

I had yet to find out even more devastating news. Yes, you guessed it. The “loving” husband had a girlfriend. Later I found out; there were quite a few preceding her, hence, the ongoing gnawing feeling that something was off.

How did I remain so oblivious, you may ask? Again, the persistent intuition that I relentlessly chose to ignore — a part of me knew. However, whenever I allowed my mind to go there, I was paralyzed with fear and a sickening pain.

This man broke my heart in several places. I suffered the loss of my greatest love, and my marriage was in shreds. I had to endure the pain of informing our children their dad would no longer be living with us, knowing this would break their hearts, as well. 

There was the shame of being replaced by another woman and the fear of financial catastrophe. I also knew that I would have to inform family and friends of this intense ordeal, reliving it repeatedly in the re-telling.

After months of hysterics, rage, counseling, and finally acceptance, we separated.

The only way to overcome pain and heartache is to walk through the fire. I am not simplifying the process. We must feel the pain and all the emotions brought on by a betrayal. 

It is one of life’s most difficult challenges, and it took several years for me to forgive and let go completely.

“Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” — Budda.

As it is often said, we become stronger, better, smarter, and more resilient by living through difficult times. I blindly stumbled into the inferno. From the ashes, I grew into the strong, capable woman I am today.

I was able to financially and emotionally support my children on my own. They grew into fine, successful men.

I am not afraid to love again, and indeed I have. I am now married to my high school sweetheart, reconnecting after 50 years. And life is good.