10 Ways to Live Longer Better

How to live well, well into our older years.

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

I’m fascinated with the super-healthy, uber-agers running, high-jumping, cycling their way into their 80’s, 90’s and beyond.

Though not extraordinary athletes, tens of thousands of “ordinary” older adults worldwide live life nimbly and gracefully. I am delighted that this abundant and active life is available to each of us, provided we follow specific suggestions.

According to Wendy Wood, a psychology professor at the University of Southern California, it takes three months for new habits to take hold, however, the biggest gain comes during the first month. So it’s important to stick with it initially.

I’ve selected these points that resonate with me from an article entitled: Live Longer Stronger Better. Quite a few of them are already part of my arsenal for staying fit and young-ish.

My top ten from the 60 suggestions offered by AARP and their panel of experts:

• Make weekly exercise dates. It’s easy to talk yourself out of exercising but more difficult knowing someone depends on you. I enjoy exercise, so this isn’t that huge for me. However, I do tend to exercise longer when with a friend. Exercisers are 45% less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease.
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• Eat a salad daily. Again, an easy one for me, as I love salads and even order them when eating out. One serving a day of leafy greens was associated with slower cognitive decline.
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• Have a super berry dessert. Dark-colored berries like blueberries and blackberries contain compounds that fight inflammation and help protect your brain. I have a berry and super-greens smoothie almost every day as a mid-morning snack. (I eat a small breakfast early morning).
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• Read. Men and women who engage their minds most often through intellectual activities such as playing games or reading were 29% less likely to develop dementia during a five-year follow-up period. Reports a 2018 Hong Kong study of adults 65 and older published in JAMA Psychiatry.
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• Once a week, try something new. I love this one. Listen to new music, sign up for a lecture, learn some words in another language. Lifelong learning is associated with improved brain health.
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• Resistance training. I’m not too fond of this one, yet I lift weights several days a week as I realize the fantastic benefits not only to our muscles but for our bones and balance, as well. Women who did just 20 to 59 minutes a week of muscle-strengthening exercises were 29% less likely to die during the 12-year study than those who did none.
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• Shake off the stress. Have a go-to ritual that you look forward to when the anxiety is flaring up. Call a friend, read your current novel for 30 minutes, whatever relaxes you. I would add having at least one friend you can count on to talk to through good times and bad is vitally important. And if you have several buddies with whom you socialize and enjoy sharing laughs and stories, better yet.
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• Cardio exercise. It is not a surprise how vital movement is. What is a surprise is women who averaged 4,400 hundred steps a day (compared with just 2,700 steps) were 41% less likely to die during a follow-up of 4.3 years. I love my Fitbit for tracking my steps.
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• Journal each day. Keeping a gratitude journal to count your blessings will help you keep perspective when hard times hit. I’m a daily diarist — one of the first things I do in the morning.
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• Do some diaphragmatic breathing. Work on taking deep breaths that expand your abdomen. I meditate daily and breathe deeply during this quiet time.

I wrote at length about the super-healthy athletes who in their 80’s, 90’s and even into their 100’s broke world records in cycling, power-lifting, and track and field events in my article Exercising Into Our Later Years at dianaleotta@Medium.com.

Sharon Hernstadt began powerlifting in her 60’s. Now a grandmother in her 80’s, Sharon is a five-time world and national champion who has set records at state and national levels.

Olga Kotelko was a track and field star well into her 90’s, taking this sport up at age 77 after realizing her strength was her speed when running bases in softball.

Julia “Hurricane” Hawkins took up running at age 100 when she decided it was no longer safe for her to continue mountain biking!

I’m not suggesting that we aspire to be extreme athletes like these women. However, we can certainly enter our 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and beyond exhibiting super health.

Are we willing to commit to change our habits and adopt some of the suggestions outlined above?

 

"When health is absent wisdom cannot reveal itself, art cannot manifest, strength cannot fight, wealth becomes useless and intelligence cannot be applied. "— Herophilus, the Father of Anatomy.

Photo by Arifur Rahman on Unsplash

The following may be redundant, yet it does bear repeating:

" Gerontologists point to three arteries of life that contribute to aging well: staying fit with movement and diet; staying connected to a supportive and intimate community; staying engaged with lifelong brain activity, be it with gardening or crossword puzzles or continuing education classes. These super-agers make sure they have something to look forward to every day, which helps them stay relevant and instills a will to live. "— Gayle Kirschenbaum, The Ethel, online publication.

Ms. Kirschenbaum reminds us of super-agers Judi Dench, 86, who just released the film Blithe Spirit, Jane Fonda, 82, and Lily Tomlin, 81, stars of the Netflix hit Grace and Frankie. And Betty White, at age 99, was still at work as a voice actor in Toy Story 4.

They are astonishing women and constantly curious and interested in life and living beyond the norm.

We must be resolute in our determination to do all we can to be strong in mind and body well into our later years. So much is up to us.

"What the mind believes, the body embraces. "— from the book Growing Bolder by Marc Middleton.

What Is Your Heart's Desire?

 

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If we don’t know, we’ll never achieve it.

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When you were five or six, you absolutely, positively knew you wanted to be a nurse. For some, you envisioned being a— teacher. And for others, a firefighter. 

Now that we’re all grown up and have our degrees and various other credentials to prove who and what we are, we’re happy. We’ve finally achieved our dreams. Or, have we?

Perhaps we wanted what we now have, yet; we are not feeling fulfilled entirely.

We grow, our circumstances change, life happens, and we wonder if the life we strived for is still serving us.

We’re questioning whether or not we’re happy. And, maybe we are satisfied in our careers, yet something is not quite right in our personal life. Or possibly it is our creative life that is lagging? 

We have a nagging sense there is still something we desire, something yet for us to discover.

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Or perhaps we have a clue of what we hunger for yet haven’t worked out the details.

We have provided for our families quite diligently and proudly. We have given our children all that they could conceivably need.

What is your heart’s desire? The time is now for you to revisit your awareness that there is something else for you to actualize.

"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. "— Amelia Earhart.

Twenty-odd years ago, I decided to release the idea that I had zero artistic talent and signed up for a watercolor class at the local community college. The lessons led me on the road to painting and eliminating that silly belief that I hadn’t any talent. 

I learned it’s not about talent. It’s about skill. I acquired a craft that was fresh and brand new to me. Taking these classes and trying my hand at painting reiterated that striving is one of the most important qualities we should develop, regardless of our age.

Painting led me to try my hand at collage. Again, a novel endeavor that has become my current form of visual art. Collage guided me to venture into abstract art. 

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During the time I was experimenting with various art forms, I began my blog strong55plus.blogspot.com. 

A friend familiar with my blog called me and suggested we become creative writing partners. I was hesitant (and afraid) as Meg was a retired creative writing professor. However, I accepted the opportunity (aka challenge).

I hadn’t the slightest indication that suggestion from Meg would lead me to submit articles several times a week to Medium.com. 

I’m astonished at how much pleasure this newly discovered avocation has delivered. It is also another reminder to stay curious. Stay interested in life. Listen to that still quiet voice that whispers there is more for you yet to learn.

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. "— Mark Twain.

What is your inner voice murmuring in your ear? What else do you want to accomplish in your life?

• Give yourself the time and space to daydream. 
• What would you be doing if you could do anything? Be specific.
• Consider what you might need to change to realize your dream, your vision.
• Set a date for attainment.

Tell yourself the truth. Let the fear be present, yet do not allow it to stop you. You owe it to yourself to live a life of exploration, experimentation, and discovery.

If I hadn’t taken on Meg’s proposal, I wouldn’t have discovered my latest addiction — writing! 

I now fill my days with ideas for my next article, along with a bit of trepidation that it will not be well-received. I put that emotion aside as the enthusiasm to continue to create is more significant than the fear.

Of course, I want to be successful and hope that people will read my articles. I’m not a foolish woman — I’m new at this and on an unbeaten path, learning every day. I acquire knowledge from the articles I read on Medium, take in the advice and march on.

We must be our heroines and heroes. 

Are You Saving Your Special Possessions?

 Everyday life is too important. Use the good stuff now.

Photo by Mikel Parera on Unsplash

A year or so ago, I decided to wear my “good” jewelry whenever I darn felt like it.

Ordinarily, I would don these items only when going to a party or out to dinner with friends.

I love my diamond tennis bracelet, yet it spent more time in the doggone jewelry drawer than on my wrist. I don’t even wear my beautiful engagement ring every day. And, there are the gold hoop earrings and several other pieces of jewelry lying dormant awaiting their turns to have an outing.

Now that I’ve entered the Third Third of my life, changes are occurring. I’m taking a hard look at life and wondering for what reason am I saving these items?

Don’t misunderstand me. I expect and plan on being on this planet for another 20 years, minimum. With any luck — 30 years! Still, today could be the best day of my life, and I want to honor and adorn it.

I am now wearing my tennis bracelet when playing pickleball, grocery shopping, or whenever I damn well feel like it. Same with the earrings and precious rings.

Life is ours to be spent, not to be saved. — D.H. Lawrence, English novelist, poet, playwright.

Is your everyday flatware disappearing? I seem to run out of forks before the dishwasher is full. To where in God’s green earth do these items abscond? Rather than handwashing the used cutlery, I’ve added the “real” silver to my daily fork inventory.

My husband was appalled and wondered how could I, after all, it’s silver!? Why not? — was my reply. Plus, they won’t tarnish when used regularly. Again, why save the special utensils for guests? We’re special enough.

Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed. — Wayne Dyer, self-help and spiritual author and motivational speaker.

My good friend, Mia, loves cowboys and horses, and I owned a print of a rugged cowboy on horseback that she adored. I promised if I left this earth before her, she would inherit it.

In my last move to another home, I decided to gift Mia with this piece of art. She was beside herself with glee and appreciation. The painting now has a prominent place in her home. Mia enjoys it every day, and I don’t miss it at all.

I wouldn’t expect you to wear a cashmere sweater while cleaning the shower or wearing a diamond ring when scouring a pan. We do need to be somewhat sensible about it.

Photo by Eleni Trapp on Unsplash

Still, I say enjoy those cherished and perhaps costly pieces now. Celebrate today. Tomorrow is not promised.

Is There Ever a Time to Stop Growing?

 

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When you stop growing, you also stop thriving. Is the fear of failure holding you back?

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Isn’t thriving part of being alive, part of being human? If we quit growing, we begin dying — a dull, sluggish death.

As a plant becomes root-bound in its pot, soon to die, we, too, become diminished by the inactivity of mind and body. When the mind ceases to grow, the physical body begins a slow decline into decrepitude. 

 

"Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up. "— Robert Schuller, Christian pastor, and author.

Growing means trying something new, often. Maybe not daily, but for Pete's sake, at least weekly. 

This “something new” could be as simple as sampling new food, smelling a flower you have never sniffed before, or as grand as visiting a foreign country. 

Stretch yourself.

If you’re a reader and not a writer, try your hand at penning a poem or an essay. If you’re a writer and not a massive consumer of the written word, give a go at reading a piece of literature you would usually pass up. For me, this would be a piece in the areas of theology or science. I typically shy away from these subjects.

I stretched.

Over 20 years ago, I picked up a paintbrush for the first time. I was terrified. I questioned if I should even give painting a shot. 

My fear increased as I entered the art class and faded somewhat as I grew more assured. The alarm began growing again as I could not fathom how to make the sky in my painting resemble the real thing!

Through lessons and on my own, I gradually became satisfied with my sky with continued practice.

This ebb and flow of fear/self-confidence continued with each new painting and often with every stroke. Persevere, I did, ultimately feeling proud of the numerous art pieces I completed.

I was able to transfer this self-assurance into designing collages. Again, the fear and insecurity appeared only to dissipate with each creation completed.

I know you, too, have experienced this fluctuation in self-confidence as you attempted a new endeavor. 

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Experiencing an unfamiliar event brings up our fear and resistance, our ego’s way of protecting us from failure.

There is no such thing as failure if you are trying. The only defeat is in not examining the challenge or forsaking the opportunity rather than seizing it.

 

"I’ve failed over and over again in my life and that is why I have succeeded. "— Michael Jordan, basketball player and businessman.

When you were a toddler attempting to take your first step and fell, you may have cried, yet the thought of not getting up wasn’t even a consideration. Growing and learning were exciting and thrilling then. It’s only later, when our egos have developed, that the shame of failure takes hold.

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Elle Luna writes this about growth in her book The Crossroads of Should and Must — Find and Follow Your Passion:

The snake is the ancient sacred symbol for transformation. In order to grow, it must shed its skin. This process is painful, dangerous, and necessary for growth. The snake’s insides are literally outgrowing its outside, and it must remove its restrictive, outermost layer.

The snake rubs and scratches, feeling that something’s not quite right. During the process, it's coloring sometimes shifts to an indigo blue hue. If for some reason the snake cannot shed its skin, over time it will become malnourished, possibly even blind, and it will die from its inability to grow.

But when it successfully completes the process, the snake emerges stronger and healthier — a new incarnation.

And so, for us, a level of transformation takes place every time we step outside our comfort zone, break through the resistance, and summon our courage and accept the challenge that awaits us.

"Success means going from one failure to another without loss of enthusiasm. "— Winston Churchill.

Stopped In Your Tracks by Excuses?

 

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Let go of your excuses and live a creative life.

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I’m too old. I can’t afford it. I don’t have the time. Yadda yadda. How long can we make excuses why we aren't able to do the “thing” we want to do?

When are we going to stop this distorted way of thinking and get on with pursuing our dreams?

I lived many years hog-tied by one excuse after another. I know many of you have, as well. A good deal of these excuses seemed valid. After all, we have a family to support and can’t abandon our responsibilities for some silly idea. We have bills to pay, a mortgage that’s due, remember?

Wayne Dyer was an American self-help and spiritual author and motivational speaker and one of my favorites. He formulated a list of the top excuses people have for not fulfilling their desires. These are ten from his list that resonates with me, and I believe you will recognize them as well:

1. I’m too old (or too young).
2. I don’t deserve it.
3. I don’t have the money.
4. I don’t have the time or energy.
5. My family would disapprove.
6. I don’t know how.
7. I’ve never done this before.
8. I don’t have the right training, degree.
9. It’s going to be risky.
10. I’m scared.

And these are the ones I used most often throughout my life:

1. I don’t deserve it.
2. I don’t have the right training or degree.
3. I’m scared.
4. I don’t have the time.

What about you? Being scared or I don’t deserve is hidden within every one of the excuses.

If you are courageous and believe you deserve your dream, you wouldn't have excuses at all. This may be an oversimplification; however, that is how it was for me.

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Excuses become a part of our habitual thinking. This type of reasoning can only do one thing — drag us down. Is that what we want for our lives? Of course, not. Then why do we persist in making excuses? 

You got it — the F word — fear. The good news is this fear is, for the most part, baseless. This does not mean it will change because we recognize this. However, awareness is the first step to change any behavior.

Courage is one step ahead of fear. — Coleman Young, American politician and first African-American Mayor of Detroit.

Unfortunately, the more you make excuses, the easier it is to make even more excuses, according to Dominic Soh of Thrive Global. I tend to agree with that —  the power of repetition.

Break the chain of repetition by taking a baby step toward your goal, just one. Then take another. You will gain a bit more courage with each forward action. In addition, an unexpected opening will often occur that moves you even further along with each movement. Call it the Universe lending a hand or a synchronistic gift — whatever we choose to name it, let’s say thank you.

Life shrinks or expands according to one’s courage. — Anais Nin.

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I am so enjoying my newfound avocation — writing. However, I’ve been whining internally that I don’t have enough time for it—one of my top four excuses.

How can that be — I’m retired. Sure, I still have responsibilities, but that is a far cry from those working full-time AND writing! What is my problem, and how can I be so busy?

The truth? I also love playing pickleball, hiking, and walking with my friend, Shannon, and our dogs. I also have a husband, and being a “good” wife, I want/should spend time with him. So, I do. Also, I feel the need to make dinner a few nights a week — hubby does get hungry. Oh yeah, and tidying the house, a bit of shopping — the chores that keep reappearing week after week. Bottom line — get up earlier to write, stay up later to edit, quit wasting time on nonsensical media stuff, whatever it takes — get on with it and quit complaining.

That eliminates that excuse — I don’t have the time is B.S. Make the time for what’s important. 

And again, to all the full-time workers — you do have more of a challenge. Yet you can carve out bits and pieces of time hither and yon. I know you’re creative and have already figured it out.

The I’m scared excuse held me back for a long time though I never admitted it to anyone, including myself. Being afraid was often the reason I didn’t take on a challenge or new goal. Subconsciously, I deferred to one of the other popular excuse choices. 

I’ve finally given up that habit and taken on a few things that scared me, and the results have been exceedingly worthwhile.

I was afraid to try pickleball — I don't know how, I’ve never done this before, I’m scared, all appeared. I signed up for group classes and had a ball, and now pickleball is my obsession. Plus, I now have a group of equally captivated women I now call friends.

Writing and publishing on Medium was a goal of mine — except for the fear and the lack of training or degree excuses that held me back. That is until my friend, Meg, talked me out of those silly memes, and here I am on Medium.

I’m sure I’m not an isolated example of a writer afraid to publish on this platform or any of the other options available. You have been an example to me and I thank you for your guidance and wise, insightful writing.

People of all ages, occupations, and cultures have overcome their excuses because the desire was greater than the pretext. Olympic athletes, Oscar and Tony award-winning actors, incredible musicians, artists of every ilk, extraordinary doers all over the globe have overcome their excuses to live the life of their dreams. 

We must push past our excuses and take action to achieve our vision. After all, this is the only life we have.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. — Lao Tzu, Ancient Chinese philosopher.

Childhood Wounds and Our Lives Today

 

Does our childhood affect us as adults?

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My mind was whirling; I was on the verge of tears. I knew my face was red with embarrassment and fear. My father was holding the garden hose and yelling at me from across the yard. Could the neighbors hear? “Can’t you even figure out how to turn the damn water on! What is wrong with you?”

How is it possible that more than five decades have passed and I still remember this event? The scars remain. I didn’t have an easy childhood. Did you? I know many have had it far worse than me, and I’m sorry for you. Our parents did the best they could with what they knew, or so I’ve been told. And I believe that, kind of. 

That does not change the past. It does not make it okay that my father took his belt to my sister and me, on our rear ends and our backs for transgressions mild or perhaps even non-existent. Roller skates left in the driveway. Playing outside after the street lights came on, our curfew. No, it wasn’t right. He should have known better. Any human would know better.

Perusing my bookshelf, I came across Louise Hay’s international bestseller You Can Heal Your Life. I have read this book countless times, and it never fails to enlighten and remind me of what I have learned throughout my life. She states:

"When we are very little, we learn how to feel about ourselves and about life by the reactions of the adults around us."

My father’s reaction to my confusion while turning on the faucet created fear and feelings of inferiority. 

I wanted him to love me, to like me, to accept me. Now I know; he did not love, like, or accept himself. Still, that is not an excuse to be abusive, emotionally and physically. Child Protective Services would intervene if that happened today.

In retrospect, we understand so much. My father attended art school in New York City and was a working artist until I was born. My sister was born the year before, but having a second child put the expenses far beyond his income. He had to relinquish his dream of becoming an artist.

My dad took a job he detested to support our small family, with my mom helping out with a part-time job. He was stressed, and he took it out on my sister and me. My twin brother and sister, born five years later, managed to escape his fury. 

Oh, and he was a drinker. Well, maybe an alcoholic. That may have had a little something to do with the fact that he was always angry, impatient, and a bully.

We moved from the city to the New Jersey suburbs of Bergen County when I was eight to a modest-sized three bedrooms two bath home with a huge yard, three cherry trees, a pear tree, and a quince (whatever that was) tree. This home was the first one my parents bought, and it was an exciting time for all.

It was a lovely white clapboard house, with black shutters and a wrap-around porch. Maybe not beautiful enough to satisfy the gaping hole I had in my being — reasons unclear at that age.

I wrote a letter to the friend I left behind, Anita Lang, telling her of the gorgeous, gigantic home with a swimming pool I now called my residence. The effects of my father’s heavy-handed child-raising already affected me, or what other reason could there be that I would lie? My shame was already deeply embedded within me.

Horrified was I when I answered the doorbell several months after mailing the letter and there stood Anita at my front door! This house was clearly not the one I wrote about in my letter. My lie and my humiliation were crushing. How do I explain this? Will she forgive me for my deceitful fantasy? Perhaps she did, but our friendship was over.

Enter the high school years, and my sister and I had a ball — at least when we were away from home. Rarely did we invite friends over for fear our father would explode over something minor, either at us, my siblings or my mother. 

Michele and I learned to self-medicate by filling a jar with alcohol snitched from several different bottles — a little vodka, maybe some brandy, a dash of rum. Ugh. It was gross, but it did the job. 

My sister and I always slapped on a happy, carefree face when we were with our friends. The shame we hid was too much to share. At least we had each other.

My mother was a gifted cook and baker. Every Christmas season, she would stay up till two or three in the morning baking delicacies — flaky pastries, butter cookies dipped in chocolate, pink and white shortbread candy canes dusted with crushed peppermint candy- what delightful treats. 

We would have a Christmas Eve party with the highlight guests being my grandmother and my aunt Marian — my father’s mother and sister, along with Marian’s children, my cousins.

Sadly, my most prevalent memory of those events was my father growing increasingly agitated, awaiting the guests of honor. He would have a cocktail, then another, pacing and anticipating their arrival, threatening to lock them out if they didn’t appear soon.

Eventually, they would arrive and smooth over the ruffled feathers, and the evening would proceed without further upsets.

My father’s behavior elicited nervousness and apprehension; despite my efforts to enjoy the evening, he ruined the party for me.

The Christmas Eve upset wasn’t an isolated event. I spent my days in constant worry my father would erupt or arrive from work agitated or fuming. I lived my childhood in fear and anxiety.

Photo by Daria Nepriakhina on Unsplash

Not surprisingly, as an adult, I was a people pleaser. I couldn’t please my father; perhaps I could please others. For years, this was my approach. 

As you may have guessed, I sought out husbands who resembled my dad in many ways. Crazy, I know.

"You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. "— A.A. Milne/Christopher Robin.

I’m okay today by navigating through rough waters, making tons of mistakes, and reading a library’s worth of “self-development” books, psychology texts, and spiritual works. I have learned I am more than okay. I am a woman of power and strength and fully deserving of love.

Each of us is on a journey. We are put on earth to love and enjoy life, not suffer, though pain is part of the adventure. We have become the being we are because of our past, not despite it.

Should vs. Must

 I lived the first two-thirds of my life in Shoulds.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Imagine living your life for someone or something other than what you actually want? Even worse, picture doing that and being unaware that is how you are existing. Or consciously knowing that you are living inauthentically, yet it seemed easier than pursuing what you truly desired.

This is how I lived for the first two-thirds of my life.

Attending art/design school was my dream after graduating high school. My father insisted I apply to Cooper Union, his school. I refused. I had my own choices. He rejected those preferences proclaiming it wasn’t financially feasible.

I chickened out. I could not manage to commute to New York City from New Jersey and pay for school independently. I abandoned my Musts and entered, ever so reluctantly, into the world of Shoulds.

I took the first job offered to me because it seemed the “right” choice at the time. It was a decent job, and I enjoyed it; however, it wasn’t what I truly wanted in my soul. It was my first Should decision as an adult.

At that time, the Must in my life was to be creative, not a cog in an insurance company wheel. I could not stand up for myself as I was too immature, inexperienced, and a father-pleaser.

My first Must appeared ten years later when I summoned my courage and hightailed it out of New Jersey for new adventures in California.

The following 20 years were filled with many Shoulds as I married and gave birth to two boys filling my life with the usual parenting responsibilities and housewife duties. I neither gave thought to nor had time for the Musts that were simmering beneath my smiling facade.

Jumping ahead approximately 15 years, divorced, boys well into their teens and beyond — could it possibly be time for me to take a peek at those festering Musts I’ve been ignoring?

Our Musts are buried deep within and will lay dormant until, with valor, we endeavor to uncover them. And so I did with my yearning to create art-specifically to paint.

I no longer wanted to go to museums and galleries to view art to assuage this desire. I wanted to join the ranks of the creators.

And so I did. My first venture was a watercolor class at the local community college, and I was euphoric. My earliest paintings were horrific, yet I was surrounded by other painters, feeling a camaraderie among us. As timid and apprehensive as I was, I knew I made the right decision despite my inept results.

I moved on to acrylics —they are not as complicated as watercolors, and I have painted quite a few works I am pleased with.

Next, I decided to try my hand at collage and enjoyed painting, assembling, and gearing each one to a specific person or subject.

I surmounted my fear of tackling the Must that weighed me down for many years. I discovered I could paint, have a bit of talent, and learn new skills, unleashing a fresh, bolder woman.

The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time. — Brene’ Brown, author, researcher, professor.

It’s interesting how this article came to be. I am rereading for the umpteenth time Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life.

In Chapter Two, Ms. Hay writes about Shoulds giving an exercise for her clients with physical, emotional, or relationship issues. She supplies them with a pad and pen and, at the top of the page, asks them to write I Should and then list all of the Shoulds in their lives. This uncovers where they are stuck in their beliefs and what they think their limitations are.

Louise goes on to say: I believe that should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should we are in effect saying ‘wrong’. Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don’t think we need more wrongs in our life. We need to have more freedom of choice.

Looking back, I see that I, too, had freedom of choice. However, I was much too compliant, fearful, and a pleaser to execute that choice.

Thankfully, I broke out of that cowardly shell, discovering another version of myself.

Photo by Marc Najera on Unsplash

Ms. Hay advises changing Should to Could. A different rendition of Must— still, very empowering yet not quite as intense as Must.

Musts are different.

According to Elle Luna, author of The Crossroads of Should and Must: Must is who we are, what we believe, and what we do when we are alone with our truest, most authentic self. It’s that which calls to us most deeply. It’s our convictions, our passions, our deepest held urges and desires — unavoidable, undeniable, and inexplicable. Unlike Should, Must doesn’t accept compromises.

Interestingly, Ms. Luna wrote and published a piece on this very subject on Medium several years ago, and it went viral, resulting in her book.

I bought The Crossroads of Should and Must — Find and Follow Your Passion, the year it was published, 2015. I was unaware of Medium or that I had a latent desire to write. At that time, I was enmeshed in creating collages and enjoying the first years of my retirement.

I have been writing a blog: strong55plus.blogspot.com, for over two years, discovering that I enjoy writing. Since I began publishing on Medium in 2021, I have uncovered a new passion for writing.

I’m loving the synchronicity of re-reading Louise Hay’s work leading me to locate Elle Luna’s book on my shelf and circling back to writing this post, my newest, brightest Must!

You and you alone design your own life. — Pam Grout, author of E Squared.

Is Imposter Syndrome Real?

 

Is Imposter Syndrome Real?

If so, how do we know if we have it?

Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash

I know it’s real. I suffer from imposter syndrome as I’m a fraud. Here I am writing as if I have the skill, as though I have a background in creative writing, or at the very least was an outstanding English student.

Nope, none of the above do I possess, so where do I get the nerve to write a weekly blog and publish on Medium?

I want to write. I enjoy writing. It brings me satisfaction and pride that I have taken on a new challenge in the Third Third of my life.

That is until the moment arrives to pull the trigger and Publish. 

The self-doubt descends on me — who do I think I am? The other writers are far superior, more clever, and certainly more intelligent and talented than I. Imposter Syndrome is the fear that you will discover I haven’t a clue what I’m doing. 

According to the website MedLife:

Imposter Syndrome is an emotional and mental state where an individual refuses to give credit to their own hard work and talent for their successes.

I gather my courage and chutzpah and hit Publish. I rationalize that I have accomplished far more significant and more daunting undertakings than publishing a little article online. What’s the big deal, anyway?

Still, the insecurity and doubt linger. 

As Seth Godin says in his book; The Practice — Shipping Creative Work:

I feel like an imposter often. That’s because my best work involves doing things I’ve never done before.

Ok, so there we have it. Writing is new to me. Yes, I’ve been writing every week on my blog for over two years, so that should give me a bit of confidence. My readers there are primarily friends and very accepting. 

Medium feels like the big time in comparison, and I see the followers, claps, and comments other writers are collecting, which feeds my insecurity. 

Still, as Seth states — this psychological syndrome slams us when we attempt to do something new. At least I’m not alone. I’m in good, nay — excellent company!

Maya Angelou has been afraid people would realize her scam. Meryl Streep feels she is not beautiful and is a character artist. Tom Hanks says he feels like a conman. Dr. Margaret Chou, two times head of WHO, is surprised people consider her an expert!

Photo by Daniel McCullough on Unsplash

Regrettably, the imposter syndrome is not fussy when or where it will strike. It wallops me when I’m attempting a new collage or painting. This particular creative endeavor is where I am most vulnerable. I’ll give the credit for this encounter with the syndrome to my dad, who was a professional artist for a time. He made it clear I did not have any talent in this area. Of course, I believed him; I was an innocent child. 

Eventually, I decided the hell with his opinion and dipped my brush, and began to paint. I was in mid-life at this point — having been successful in parenting, careers, and such, still the imposter appeared. 

I forged on and am proud of quite a few pieces I created; imposter be damned.

If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends) ‘Am I really a writer? Am I really an artist?’ Chances are you are. The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death. — Stephen Pressfield.

That is the best news. Precisely what we doubters need to hear and remember. There is a possibility believing we are the real deal may boost our self-confidence in our chosen field, knowing we are genuine innovators.

I’m sure reading these uplifting quotes won’t convince us overnight that we are authentic writers, artists, chefs, potters — however, this is undoubtedly a jumping-off point to believing we are bonafide and legit.

Give yourself deserved credit for venturing forward in your chosen craft. Silent that imposter by continuing to deliver your goods. The world is waiting.

Is There Always a Silver Lining?

 How do we find the good in the not-so-good?

Photo by Aakanksha Panwar on Unsplash

A wisp of a woman gingerly stepped forward with her walker, her husband carrying her handbag. She was frail and appeared to be in pain or drugged.

I, with my firm, confident stride, passed them and held the door open. We were entering a Gynecological Oncologist’s office. The couple was inching forward very slowly and cautiously. Finally, the woman stepped in, and with the help of her husband, tentatively took a seat. 

She appeared to be in her 50’s. It was apparent she either had an advanced stage of cancer or was in severe pain, perhaps both. My heart went out to her.

Office staff came to her and her husband, offering beverages, a blanket, or anything else that might ease her discomfort.

I felt a bit guilty. My appointment was for a check on pre-cancer skin cells. My malady would never morph into cancer. I had dodged the proverbial bullet, yet here I sat surrounded by women of different ages with varying degrees of cancer.

Walking to my examination room, I passed the chemotherapy area, where tubes and vials were connected to several women, circled by caring and ministering nurses.

Why and how did I get so lucky to have sidestepped this cruel illness? Could it be my good genes, balanced diet, or healthy lifestyle that helped spare me? 

What about the women connected to the chemo contraption? The ill woman accompanied by her husband in the office — what could be their silver lining?

For one, it could be the gift of healthy grandchildren. For another, the news that her cancer is in remission. 

We don’t know why certain people contract diseases, sparing others. 

It is up to each one of them, each one of us, to find the silver lining in every challenge we encounter.

Only in the darkness, can you see the stars. — Martin Luther King, Jr.

Silver linings can be found in other realms, as well, such as the worldwide Covid pandemic.

We have paid a high price during this pandemic with lives lost, jobs disappearing for many workers, highly successful businesses going bust. Still, we have a silver lining. It is there if we look for it, lean into it, and treasure the blessings given.

One favorable bonus to the pandemic is that many people continue to work from home, leaving the dreaded commute behind. The proof of this silver lining, in countless instances, is employees are more productive and happier working from home. Plus, they are near their families.

Photo by RayBay on Unsplash

Our environment has significantly benefitted from the lockdown — blue skies have returned over many previously smoggy cities because carbon emissions have fallen sharply. There is clean water where once it wasn’t safe to drink — all encouraging news.

On yet another topic, my friend, Christie’s daughter, had a long-awaited surgery that would relieve her pain. The surgery was deemed successful, and the young woman is home recuperating and improving though feeling miserable. The after-effects of surgery are unpleasant, but knowing the operation and distress is behind is cause for relief. The silver lining would be that she is now pain-free and able to perform all her duties and live life with ease.

My silver lining in almost every matter is to appreciate every single breath bestowed upon me. To let my loved ones know how much I care, see the beauty in my surroundings, and enjoy all the abundance — financial, emotional, and spiritual — granted to me.

Are you able to see a problem you face and look ahead to the future silver lining that may result from having maneuvered through the struggle? I’m certainly not suggesting that it is easy to see beyond the current troubles you have and slap on a happy face. I am proposing we take a moment to be grateful for all we have, and that knowledge can be our silver lining.

Live life as if everything is rigged in your favor. — Rumi, 13th Century Persian poet.

How Are You Living Your Life?

 How often, if ever, do you ask yourself this question?

Photo by Nazrin B-va on Unsplash

No judgment here, but are you a goal-setter? Some of us are, others not so much. Certain men and women aspire to have a better job, a more luxurious home, or a fancier car. Others are content with the status quo and prefer to mosey along happily. 

Charitable souls work towards eliminating global warming, and others labor to bring clean drinking water to the millions of humans who do not have this basic necessity. None of these are right or wrong. It’s a personal preference to live your life the way you desire.

Financial freedom is worth striving for, and having material goodies is a way of celebrating our hard work. 

If you love your professional life yet are not interested in advancing, that is perfectly acceptable. You get to choose your path.

Giving your time, money, or talent to helping others is admirable and praiseworthy and commendable, still, as in the previous examples — a choice.

I have been retired for eight years. I was a stay-at-home mother for several years and enjoyed that immensely. It was hugely fulfilling, and I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything. My children benefitted by being available for them, attending their sports activities, and volunteering in their classrooms. 

Both before and after being a homemaker, I worked outside the home. For many years, I was in the insurance and financial planning field as a secretary, and later, when titles became embellished, I was now an “administrative assistant” to the president. These positions weren’t what I aspired to. I didn’t pursue any career in particular. I fell into what was convenient and financially acceptable. I regret that now, yet pointless to lament, as it was my choice.

Volunteering for a cause I believed in was essential to me, and I always made that a part of my life. 

In the spiritual law of karma, every action generates a force of energy that is returned to us in kind. Simply put, what we give, we receive. When we choose actions that bring happiness and success to others, the fruit of our karma is happiness and success. — Deepak Chopra, author, physician and alternative medicine advocate.

I enjoyed giving my time working with harbor seals for the Marine Mammal Center and working for breast cancer galas by securing silent auction items. These were several undertakings that were satisfying and on purpose. And examples of how I chose to spend my time intentionally.

Do you have a focus for your life? A five-year plan? Perhaps, a ten-year plan? I don’t have long-term goals right now, but that is not to say I won't in the future. However, I do have a focus for my life. I can not fathom not having a direction. It would be difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning without a purpose or a plan? 

Those of you who go to a brick-and-mortar workplace already have a strategy — get there and get to work. Even with that as your motivation, is there another intention that drives you, gives you meaning?

Right now, my primary aim is to write and publish on Medium and hopefully other platforms, as well. I’m a newbie. I am learning as I go. And I’m having fun and look forward to writing each day.

In addition to writing, my other purpose, also passion, is playing pickleball. I’m retired, remember?

Nonetheless, I plan on finding a place to give back. Before the pandemic, I was volunteering at our outstanding local museum. My position was to answer questions from patrons and advise them as to the various galleries and exhibits. My time at the museum was a weekly gig, and for the first four and a half years, I supremely enjoyed it. Towards the end, I grew tired of the routine and considered other places to donate my time. That is where I am now, back to contemplating the various charitable opportunities as venues are opening up, post-Covid.

My son, Anthony, died at age 36 due to complications of Ulcerative Colitis, with addiction to opioids a contributing factor. He was prescribed oxycontin for his pain and became addicted. I am researching situations in that area where I may be able to give my time.

I consider myself extremely blessed that I am retired and able to pick and choose my activities, including volunteering. Even so, for those of you working full-time, donating your time is of paramount importance not only to the receiver but to you, as well. 

It has been proven that depressed men and women who are given a prescription to volunteer at a food bank, or hospital, often leave their disorder behind. Volunteering may not be an immediate fix. Take small steps, planning on a few hours a week. By being accountable to someone else improves self-confidence and increases patience and empathy, according to Susan J. Noonan, M.D. -Psychology Today.

Your heart will fill with gratitude for the opportunity to help another — whether human, animal, or organization. You will find the benefits immense and deeply gratifying.

People may spend their whole lives climbing the ladder of success only to find, once they reach the top, that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall. —  Thomas Merton, Trappist Monk, writer, theologian.