I lived the first two-thirds of my life in Shoulds.
Imagine living your life for someone or something other than what you actually want? Even worse, picture doing that and being unaware that is how you are existing. Or consciously knowing that you are living inauthentically, yet it seemed easier than pursuing what you truly desired.
This is how I lived for the first two-thirds of my life.
Attending art/design school was my dream after graduating high school. My father insisted I apply to Cooper Union, his school. I refused. I had my own choices. He rejected those preferences proclaiming it wasn’t financially feasible.
I chickened out. I could not manage to commute to New York City from New Jersey and pay for school independently. I abandoned my Musts and entered, ever so reluctantly, into the world of Shoulds.
I took the first job offered to me because it seemed the “right” choice at the time. It was a decent job, and I enjoyed it; however, it wasn’t what I truly wanted in my soul. It was my first Should decision as an adult.
At that time, the Must in my life was to be creative, not a cog in an insurance company wheel. I could not stand up for myself as I was too immature, inexperienced, and a father-pleaser.
My first Must appeared ten years later when I summoned my courage and hightailed it out of New Jersey for new adventures in California.
The following 20 years were filled with many Shoulds as I married and gave birth to two boys filling my life with the usual parenting responsibilities and housewife duties. I neither gave thought to nor had time for the Musts that were simmering beneath my smiling facade.
Jumping ahead approximately 15 years, divorced, boys well into their teens and beyond — could it possibly be time for me to take a peek at those festering Musts I’ve been ignoring?
Our Musts are buried deep within and will lay dormant until, with valor, we endeavor to uncover them. And so I did with my yearning to create art-specifically to paint.
I no longer wanted to go to museums and galleries to view art to assuage this desire. I wanted to join the ranks of the creators.
And so I did. My first venture was a watercolor class at the local community college, and I was euphoric. My earliest paintings were horrific, yet I was surrounded by other painters, feeling a camaraderie among us. As timid and apprehensive as I was, I knew I made the right decision despite my inept results.
I moved on to acrylics —they are not as complicated as watercolors, and I have painted quite a few works I am pleased with.
Next, I decided to try my hand at collage and enjoyed painting, assembling, and gearing each one to a specific person or subject.
I surmounted my fear of tackling the Must that weighed me down for many years. I discovered I could paint, have a bit of talent, and learn new skills, unleashing a fresh, bolder woman.
The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time. — Brene’ Brown, author, researcher, professor.
It’s interesting how this article came to be. I am rereading for the umpteenth time Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life.
In Chapter Two, Ms. Hay writes about Shoulds giving an exercise for her clients with physical, emotional, or relationship issues. She supplies them with a pad and pen and, at the top of the page, asks them to write I Should and then list all of the Shoulds in their lives. This uncovers where they are stuck in their beliefs and what they think their limitations are.
Louise goes on to say: I believe that should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should we are in effect saying ‘wrong’. Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don’t think we need more wrongs in our life. We need to have more freedom of choice.
Looking back, I see that I, too, had freedom of choice. However, I was much too compliant, fearful, and a pleaser to execute that choice.
Thankfully, I broke out of that cowardly shell, discovering another version of myself.
Ms. Hay advises changing Should to Could. A different rendition of Must— still, very empowering yet not quite as intense as Must.
Musts are different.
According to Elle Luna, author of The Crossroads of Should and Must: Must is who we are, what we believe, and what we do when we are alone with our truest, most authentic self. It’s that which calls to us most deeply. It’s our convictions, our passions, our deepest held urges and desires — unavoidable, undeniable, and inexplicable. Unlike Should, Must doesn’t accept compromises.
Interestingly, Ms. Luna wrote and published a piece on this very subject on Medium several years ago, and it went viral, resulting in her book.
I bought The Crossroads of Should and Must — Find and Follow Your Passion, the year it was published, 2015. I was unaware of Medium or that I had a latent desire to write. At that time, I was enmeshed in creating collages and enjoying the first years of my retirement.
I have been writing a blog: strong55plus.blogspot.com, for over two years, discovering that I enjoy writing. Since I began publishing on Medium in 2021, I have uncovered a new passion for writing.
I’m loving the synchronicity of re-reading Louise Hay’s work leading me to locate Elle Luna’s book on my shelf and circling back to writing this post, my newest, brightest Must!
You and you alone design your own life. — Pam Grout, author of E Squared.
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