Setting Boundaries

I had a conversation the other day with my friend, Darlene, about her relationship with her ex-boyfriend.  She learned the hard way about setting boundaries.

Darlene was in a relationship with a man who always wanted her attention and time.  Whenever she went out with a friend he would whine and complain that she left him alone and why couldn't she see her friend while he was at work.  (At this point, he was semi-retired and only worked 3 days a week).

Fortunately, Darlene was wise enough not to relent and share a home with him, (even though he constantly suggested it) so they both had their own places. Yet, this didn't stop Rich from his constant complaining that she should spend more time with him and not with her family or friends.

Darlene tried to set boundaries with him but to no avail.  Finally, he became so possessive that after almost 3 years, she ended the relationship.

I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband and when we first got together he couldn't understand why I needed my "space", my "alone time".  My alone time is what energizes and invigorates me.  Some people get their energy by being with others.  Hubby is one of those people.  I had to set my boundaries right at the start that mornings were my time to meditate, read, reflect or whatever I needed to do to get my day off to a good start.  It took a little training but he's totally on board now.  In addition, I encourage him to spend time with his friends having lunch and talking sports or whatever they talk about when women aren't around!

Furthermore, he knows I need time to exercise, visit with friends, shop and take part in other things he has no interest in.  And I leave him alone when he watches his favorite TV show - Judge Judy! 

We have learned how to set healthy boundaries so that we are both happy.

Setting boundaries has nothing to do with love and it doesn't mean that you care about the other person less. In fact, it's a way of showing that you love and respect yourself and your partner enough to protect what you need and to give your partner what he/she needs, too.

Darlene is much smarter now and even though at times she is missing him - they did have wonderful times together despite his neediness - she is much happier and will not make this mistake again.

xo