Should vs. Must

 I lived the first two-thirds of my life in Shoulds.

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Imagine living your life for someone or something other than what you actually want? Even worse, picture doing that and being unaware that is how you are existing. Or consciously knowing that you are living inauthentically, yet it seemed easier than pursuing what you truly desired.

This is how I lived for the first two-thirds of my life.

Attending art/design school was my dream after graduating high school. My father insisted I apply to Cooper Union, his school. I refused. I had my own choices. He rejected those preferences proclaiming it wasn’t financially feasible.

I chickened out. I could not manage to commute to New York City from New Jersey and pay for school independently. I abandoned my Musts and entered, ever so reluctantly, into the world of Shoulds.

I took the first job offered to me because it seemed the “right” choice at the time. It was a decent job, and I enjoyed it; however, it wasn’t what I truly wanted in my soul. It was my first Should decision as an adult.

At that time, the Must in my life was to be creative, not a cog in an insurance company wheel. I could not stand up for myself as I was too immature, inexperienced, and a father-pleaser.

My first Must appeared ten years later when I summoned my courage and hightailed it out of New Jersey for new adventures in California.

The following 20 years were filled with many Shoulds as I married and gave birth to two boys filling my life with the usual parenting responsibilities and housewife duties. I neither gave thought to nor had time for the Musts that were simmering beneath my smiling facade.

Jumping ahead approximately 15 years, divorced, boys well into their teens and beyond — could it possibly be time for me to take a peek at those festering Musts I’ve been ignoring?

Our Musts are buried deep within and will lay dormant until, with valor, we endeavor to uncover them. And so I did with my yearning to create art-specifically to paint.

I no longer wanted to go to museums and galleries to view art to assuage this desire. I wanted to join the ranks of the creators.

And so I did. My first venture was a watercolor class at the local community college, and I was euphoric. My earliest paintings were horrific, yet I was surrounded by other painters, feeling a camaraderie among us. As timid and apprehensive as I was, I knew I made the right decision despite my inept results.

I moved on to acrylics —they are not as complicated as watercolors, and I have painted quite a few works I am pleased with.

Next, I decided to try my hand at collage and enjoyed painting, assembling, and gearing each one to a specific person or subject.

I surmounted my fear of tackling the Must that weighed me down for many years. I discovered I could paint, have a bit of talent, and learn new skills, unleashing a fresh, bolder woman.

The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time. — Brene’ Brown, author, researcher, professor.

It’s interesting how this article came to be. I am rereading for the umpteenth time Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life.

In Chapter Two, Ms. Hay writes about Shoulds giving an exercise for her clients with physical, emotional, or relationship issues. She supplies them with a pad and pen and, at the top of the page, asks them to write I Should and then list all of the Shoulds in their lives. This uncovers where they are stuck in their beliefs and what they think their limitations are.

Louise goes on to say: I believe that should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should we are in effect saying ‘wrong’. Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don’t think we need more wrongs in our life. We need to have more freedom of choice.

Looking back, I see that I, too, had freedom of choice. However, I was much too compliant, fearful, and a pleaser to execute that choice.

Thankfully, I broke out of that cowardly shell, discovering another version of myself.

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Ms. Hay advises changing Should to Could. A different rendition of Must— still, very empowering yet not quite as intense as Must.

Musts are different.

According to Elle Luna, author of The Crossroads of Should and Must: Must is who we are, what we believe, and what we do when we are alone with our truest, most authentic self. It’s that which calls to us most deeply. It’s our convictions, our passions, our deepest held urges and desires — unavoidable, undeniable, and inexplicable. Unlike Should, Must doesn’t accept compromises.

Interestingly, Ms. Luna wrote and published a piece on this very subject on Medium several years ago, and it went viral, resulting in her book.

I bought The Crossroads of Should and Must — Find and Follow Your Passion, the year it was published, 2015. I was unaware of Medium or that I had a latent desire to write. At that time, I was enmeshed in creating collages and enjoying the first years of my retirement.

I have been writing a blog: strong55plus.blogspot.com, for over two years, discovering that I enjoy writing. Since I began publishing on Medium in 2021, I have uncovered a new passion for writing.

I’m loving the synchronicity of re-reading Louise Hay’s work leading me to locate Elle Luna’s book on my shelf and circling back to writing this post, my newest, brightest Must!

You and you alone design your own life. — Pam Grout, author of E Squared.

Is Imposter Syndrome Real?

 

Is Imposter Syndrome Real?

If so, how do we know if we have it?

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I know it’s real. I suffer from imposter syndrome as I’m a fraud. Here I am writing as if I have the skill, as though I have a background in creative writing, or at the very least was an outstanding English student.

Nope, none of the above do I possess, so where do I get the nerve to write a weekly blog and publish on Medium?

I want to write. I enjoy writing. It brings me satisfaction and pride that I have taken on a new challenge in the Third Third of my life.

That is until the moment arrives to pull the trigger and Publish. 

The self-doubt descends on me — who do I think I am? The other writers are far superior, more clever, and certainly more intelligent and talented than I. Imposter Syndrome is the fear that you will discover I haven’t a clue what I’m doing. 

According to the website MedLife:

Imposter Syndrome is an emotional and mental state where an individual refuses to give credit to their own hard work and talent for their successes.

I gather my courage and chutzpah and hit Publish. I rationalize that I have accomplished far more significant and more daunting undertakings than publishing a little article online. What’s the big deal, anyway?

Still, the insecurity and doubt linger. 

As Seth Godin says in his book; The Practice — Shipping Creative Work:

I feel like an imposter often. That’s because my best work involves doing things I’ve never done before.

Ok, so there we have it. Writing is new to me. Yes, I’ve been writing every week on my blog for over two years, so that should give me a bit of confidence. My readers there are primarily friends and very accepting. 

Medium feels like the big time in comparison, and I see the followers, claps, and comments other writers are collecting, which feeds my insecurity. 

Still, as Seth states — this psychological syndrome slams us when we attempt to do something new. At least I’m not alone. I’m in good, nay — excellent company!

Maya Angelou has been afraid people would realize her scam. Meryl Streep feels she is not beautiful and is a character artist. Tom Hanks says he feels like a conman. Dr. Margaret Chou, two times head of WHO, is surprised people consider her an expert!

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Regrettably, the imposter syndrome is not fussy when or where it will strike. It wallops me when I’m attempting a new collage or painting. This particular creative endeavor is where I am most vulnerable. I’ll give the credit for this encounter with the syndrome to my dad, who was a professional artist for a time. He made it clear I did not have any talent in this area. Of course, I believed him; I was an innocent child. 

Eventually, I decided the hell with his opinion and dipped my brush, and began to paint. I was in mid-life at this point — having been successful in parenting, careers, and such, still the imposter appeared. 

I forged on and am proud of quite a few pieces I created; imposter be damned.

If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends) ‘Am I really a writer? Am I really an artist?’ Chances are you are. The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death. — Stephen Pressfield.

That is the best news. Precisely what we doubters need to hear and remember. There is a possibility believing we are the real deal may boost our self-confidence in our chosen field, knowing we are genuine innovators.

I’m sure reading these uplifting quotes won’t convince us overnight that we are authentic writers, artists, chefs, potters — however, this is undoubtedly a jumping-off point to believing we are bonafide and legit.

Give yourself deserved credit for venturing forward in your chosen craft. Silent that imposter by continuing to deliver your goods. The world is waiting.

Is There Always a Silver Lining?

 How do we find the good in the not-so-good?

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A wisp of a woman gingerly stepped forward with her walker, her husband carrying her handbag. She was frail and appeared to be in pain or drugged.

I, with my firm, confident stride, passed them and held the door open. We were entering a Gynecological Oncologist’s office. The couple was inching forward very slowly and cautiously. Finally, the woman stepped in, and with the help of her husband, tentatively took a seat. 

She appeared to be in her 50’s. It was apparent she either had an advanced stage of cancer or was in severe pain, perhaps both. My heart went out to her.

Office staff came to her and her husband, offering beverages, a blanket, or anything else that might ease her discomfort.

I felt a bit guilty. My appointment was for a check on pre-cancer skin cells. My malady would never morph into cancer. I had dodged the proverbial bullet, yet here I sat surrounded by women of different ages with varying degrees of cancer.

Walking to my examination room, I passed the chemotherapy area, where tubes and vials were connected to several women, circled by caring and ministering nurses.

Why and how did I get so lucky to have sidestepped this cruel illness? Could it be my good genes, balanced diet, or healthy lifestyle that helped spare me? 

What about the women connected to the chemo contraption? The ill woman accompanied by her husband in the office — what could be their silver lining?

For one, it could be the gift of healthy grandchildren. For another, the news that her cancer is in remission. 

We don’t know why certain people contract diseases, sparing others. 

It is up to each one of them, each one of us, to find the silver lining in every challenge we encounter.

Only in the darkness, can you see the stars. — Martin Luther King, Jr.

Silver linings can be found in other realms, as well, such as the worldwide Covid pandemic.

We have paid a high price during this pandemic with lives lost, jobs disappearing for many workers, highly successful businesses going bust. Still, we have a silver lining. It is there if we look for it, lean into it, and treasure the blessings given.

One favorable bonus to the pandemic is that many people continue to work from home, leaving the dreaded commute behind. The proof of this silver lining, in countless instances, is employees are more productive and happier working from home. Plus, they are near their families.

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Our environment has significantly benefitted from the lockdown — blue skies have returned over many previously smoggy cities because carbon emissions have fallen sharply. There is clean water where once it wasn’t safe to drink — all encouraging news.

On yet another topic, my friend, Christie’s daughter, had a long-awaited surgery that would relieve her pain. The surgery was deemed successful, and the young woman is home recuperating and improving though feeling miserable. The after-effects of surgery are unpleasant, but knowing the operation and distress is behind is cause for relief. The silver lining would be that she is now pain-free and able to perform all her duties and live life with ease.

My silver lining in almost every matter is to appreciate every single breath bestowed upon me. To let my loved ones know how much I care, see the beauty in my surroundings, and enjoy all the abundance — financial, emotional, and spiritual — granted to me.

Are you able to see a problem you face and look ahead to the future silver lining that may result from having maneuvered through the struggle? I’m certainly not suggesting that it is easy to see beyond the current troubles you have and slap on a happy face. I am proposing we take a moment to be grateful for all we have, and that knowledge can be our silver lining.

Live life as if everything is rigged in your favor. — Rumi, 13th Century Persian poet.

How Are You Living Your Life?

 How often, if ever, do you ask yourself this question?

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No judgment here, but are you a goal-setter? Some of us are, others not so much. Certain men and women aspire to have a better job, a more luxurious home, or a fancier car. Others are content with the status quo and prefer to mosey along happily. 

Charitable souls work towards eliminating global warming, and others labor to bring clean drinking water to the millions of humans who do not have this basic necessity. None of these are right or wrong. It’s a personal preference to live your life the way you desire.

Financial freedom is worth striving for, and having material goodies is a way of celebrating our hard work. 

If you love your professional life yet are not interested in advancing, that is perfectly acceptable. You get to choose your path.

Giving your time, money, or talent to helping others is admirable and praiseworthy and commendable, still, as in the previous examples — a choice.

I have been retired for eight years. I was a stay-at-home mother for several years and enjoyed that immensely. It was hugely fulfilling, and I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything. My children benefitted by being available for them, attending their sports activities, and volunteering in their classrooms. 

Both before and after being a homemaker, I worked outside the home. For many years, I was in the insurance and financial planning field as a secretary, and later, when titles became embellished, I was now an “administrative assistant” to the president. These positions weren’t what I aspired to. I didn’t pursue any career in particular. I fell into what was convenient and financially acceptable. I regret that now, yet pointless to lament, as it was my choice.

Volunteering for a cause I believed in was essential to me, and I always made that a part of my life. 

In the spiritual law of karma, every action generates a force of energy that is returned to us in kind. Simply put, what we give, we receive. When we choose actions that bring happiness and success to others, the fruit of our karma is happiness and success. — Deepak Chopra, author, physician and alternative medicine advocate.

I enjoyed giving my time working with harbor seals for the Marine Mammal Center and working for breast cancer galas by securing silent auction items. These were several undertakings that were satisfying and on purpose. And examples of how I chose to spend my time intentionally.

Do you have a focus for your life? A five-year plan? Perhaps, a ten-year plan? I don’t have long-term goals right now, but that is not to say I won't in the future. However, I do have a focus for my life. I can not fathom not having a direction. It would be difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning without a purpose or a plan? 

Those of you who go to a brick-and-mortar workplace already have a strategy — get there and get to work. Even with that as your motivation, is there another intention that drives you, gives you meaning?

Right now, my primary aim is to write and publish on Medium and hopefully other platforms, as well. I’m a newbie. I am learning as I go. And I’m having fun and look forward to writing each day.

In addition to writing, my other purpose, also passion, is playing pickleball. I’m retired, remember?

Nonetheless, I plan on finding a place to give back. Before the pandemic, I was volunteering at our outstanding local museum. My position was to answer questions from patrons and advise them as to the various galleries and exhibits. My time at the museum was a weekly gig, and for the first four and a half years, I supremely enjoyed it. Towards the end, I grew tired of the routine and considered other places to donate my time. That is where I am now, back to contemplating the various charitable opportunities as venues are opening up, post-Covid.

My son, Anthony, died at age 36 due to complications of Ulcerative Colitis, with addiction to opioids a contributing factor. He was prescribed oxycontin for his pain and became addicted. I am researching situations in that area where I may be able to give my time.

I consider myself extremely blessed that I am retired and able to pick and choose my activities, including volunteering. Even so, for those of you working full-time, donating your time is of paramount importance not only to the receiver but to you, as well. 

It has been proven that depressed men and women who are given a prescription to volunteer at a food bank, or hospital, often leave their disorder behind. Volunteering may not be an immediate fix. Take small steps, planning on a few hours a week. By being accountable to someone else improves self-confidence and increases patience and empathy, according to Susan J. Noonan, M.D. -Psychology Today.

Your heart will fill with gratitude for the opportunity to help another — whether human, animal, or organization. You will find the benefits immense and deeply gratifying.

People may spend their whole lives climbing the ladder of success only to find, once they reach the top, that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall. —  Thomas Merton, Trappist Monk, writer, theologian.

Exercising Into Our Later Years

 I can’t wait to be fit and active into my 80’s, 90’s and beyond.

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I am so excited about my upcoming healthy, strong years. I am in the Third Third of my life, and thus far, robust health and a strong body are two blessings I’ve been given, with only a few “minor” setbacks, none of which has been severe. 

It seems every month, or so a story comes across my computer screen or a magazine article, highlighting older athletes who are staggering physical marvels. They inspire me to reach beyond what I think is possible.

The story of Sharon Hernstadt is one example. A lawyer in New York, she  found herself facing health concerns — heart disease, triple bypass surgery, and osteoporosis.

Ms. Hernstadt headed to rehab following heart surgery and worked with an exercise physiologist. While at the center, she took notice of several older people lifting weights and was fascinated. She asked Mr. Vilensky, her trainer, if she could join them. He agreed. She then saw a newspaper story about an older woman who set a state record in the bench press and showed it to Vilensky. He said:” You can do this.”

As Sharon reports: It changed my life because from then on, instead of going to just work out, I had a goal: to become strong enough to compete and be able to do the three lifts of powerlifting (squat, bench press, and dead lift).

Today, Hernstadt, an 80-year-old grandmother of six, is a five-time world and national champion who has set records at the state and national levels.

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Besides earning medals, Hernstadt says power-lifting has improved her health. Doctors have discontinued her osteoporosis medication after her bone density rose more than 10% from lifting weights, a significant increase.

In addition to improving bone density, weight lifting has been shown to aid in weight loss —  as muscles burn more calories than fat. Strong muscles also help men and women keep their balance and coordination, which is critical to preventing falls and fractures.

I have been a sporadic lightweight-lifter for most of my adult life. Since Covid descended upon us, I began a weight-lifting program in earnest. As earnest as I can be, I do not enjoy this sport/exercise routine.

Regardless of my lack of enthusiasm, I have made great strides, and I see a noticeable improvement in my muscle tone. At least to me, my biceps are now evident, and my shoulders are more defined and muscular.

Trust me, if I can see improvement — you will, too, and most likely even more than I, since I am using 5–8 pound weights and lifting only 2–3 times a week. Chances are — you are also younger than me! Younger folks can see more remarkable results in less time.

Olga Kotelko did not have an easy life. Growing up in Ukraine, she was milking cows as soon as she could carry a bucket, was the washer of fifteen sets of clothes, scrubbing them on a washboard, and hanging them on a line. She baked twelve loaves of bread at a time, twice a week, and hatcheted chickens. The list of her chores continued, enough to exhaust a fully-grown adult.

Could this be what primed her for a great life as a track and field competitor well into her 90's? She took up this sport at age 77 after realizing her strength was her speed in running the bases in softball. 

In 2010, at the age of 91, her performance far surpassed that of many competitors, two age brackets younger. She also held 23 age-graded world records in the Masters' track and field competition. 

I’m not proposing we aspire to this type of physical prowess, yet we can and should be inspired to challenge ourselves to achieve more physically and realize our potential, regardless of our age. Exercise is beneficial in multitudinous ways, as we know.

Exercise helps keep our brains sharp by consuming oxygen, stimulating neural plasticity — helping the brain grow more neural connections, and maintaining health.

At age 57, Bobbe Greenberg entered a mini-triathlon at her gym. It consisted of a ten-minute pool swim, a twenty-minute stationary bike ride, and a fifteen-minute treadmill run. The only problem, Bobbe didn’t know how to swim. She took a weekend swim course and has never looked back.

Bobbe’s debut triathlon resulted in a first-place medal. She was 20 years older than the second-place woman. She’s been hooked ever since and has entered fourteen full triathlon competitions and has won or qualified nine times.

In October of 2019, Bobbe won her second Ironman Triathlon in Kona, Hawaii, at 73 years of age! This entails a 2.4-mile swim in choppy ocean waters, a 112-mile bike ride, and a marathon, a 26.2-mile run.

For sure, that is not on my agenda. Due to many years of running, I have had two knee replacements. I was informed I injured my knees because they are not aligned correctly. 

Some of you may consider a triathlon. Why not stretch yourself? 

Julia “Hurricane” Hawkins took up running at age 100! She heard that the USA Track & Field National Masters Championships would be held near her home. This would be an exciting event to experience, she decided.

When Julia ran her second meet, she established herself as the oldest female competitor ever in USA Track & Field history, plus she set a new age-group world record.

One of the fascinating aspects of Ms. Hawkins’ new sport is she came upon it when she decided it was no longer safe for her to continue with her mountain biking. Incredibly, Julia didn’t start biking until she was 81! These feats are genuinely mind-boggling, as are her courage and spirit.

In 2017, 105-year-old French cyclist Robert Marchand set a world record in the 105-plus category — created especially for him — by riding 14 miles in one hour.

Following the race, Mr. Marchand stated: I did not see the sign warning me I had 10 minutes left. Otherwise, I would have gone faster, I would have posted a better time. I’m now waiting for a rival.

He received a standing ovation once he completed the last of his laps.

These competitors are true anomalies. Yet, they are examples of the miracle of the body and the mind to achieve exploits that most mortals would believe impossible.

It’s not how old you are but how you are old. — Jules Renard, French Writer.

I’m happy continuing with my light-weight lifting program, increasing incrementally. I plan on taking my hiking up a level either in duration or more strenuous trails. Pickleball is my passion, and I’m always eager to improve.

Incredible age-defying athletes are they, inspiring me to reach for better, for excellence. I know you are capable of more extraordinary achievements, as well. Go for it. What have you got to lose?

The longer I live, the more beautiful life becomes. — Frank Lloyd Wright.

Does Self Criticism Help or Hinder Us?

 How is it working for you?

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I tend to be a tad self-critical. Not in all things, only the things that are important to me. At the moment, it happens to be writing.

At the encouragement of a friend, I began a blog at the end of 2018. Strong55plus.blogspot.com became a hobby for me. No stress. Easy peasy.

Along came my creative writing partner, who encouraged me to submit posts to Medium. I was intimidated. By this time, I was a dedicated reader of Medium’s top authors, and I knew I could not live up to their expertise. They are one diverse, talented group of writers. Who do I think I am? I’m a novice. You may have taken notice.

I was bombarding myself with negativity: I have never taken a writing course, I did not excel in English, I’m not sure I even know how to punctuate correctly. On and on, the bombs exploded in my brain. Yet my cohort, Meg, practically dared me to submit a piece.

I clicked “Publish” on January 26, 2021 — to An Organized Route to Creativity with trepidation and trembling fingers. My “serious” writing career was born with that baby!

I now have 25 articles hanging out on Medium. My judgments have diminished somewhat, yet not entirely. Acknowledging and reminding myself that I’m a rookie helps ease the discomfort.

I had a negligible number of views on the first few posts yet was thrilled someone was reading them. The number has dwindled to almost nothing, and the censoring in my head ratcheted up once again. 

I was reading that most of the more skilled authors’ also had fewer readers, and there was a reduction in the number of claps and followers. Suddenly I was saved. It wasn’t solely me and my inept writing. Something else was going on. There were complaints that Medium is operating differently. I was granted a reprieve.

Although I may be critical regarding my writing — I also love it. I love learning, the growth I’m experiencing, the pleasure I feel after reading my text. The pride that I’ve stepped outside my comfort zone once again. 

When I sit down at the computer to begin a new post, my enthusiasm is bubbling over; I can hardly wait to start. The ideas flow. My fingers are flying over the keyboard. There is not one iota of criticism present when I’m actively composing. I’m falling in love with writing just as I fell in love with reading as a young child. I’m in heaven.

Then, the dreaded editing phase descends upon me. Suddenly, I’m at a loss. I see where corrections are needed, yet the deletion, addition, cleaning up, and polishing befuddles me. Change this, leave that alone, add more detail here; it’s all so confounding, frustrating, and degrading. 

Revising is unsettling because I doubt myself. But, I soldier on, and the finished product is not half-bad. The piece goes off to my dear creative writing partner, and Meg shines it up a bit more for me with her cunning and artful eye. 

The innermost belief for everyone I have worked with is: ‘I’m not good enough.’ — According to Louise Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life and internationally known leader in the New Age movement.

I do recognize that as a fledgling writer, I have oodles to learn and am looking forward to it. With more practice and less criticism, I will be successful. I’m marching on.

According to the website Good Therapy: Self-criticism can be beneficial when it allows for acknowledging and assessing mistakes and failures or the cultivation of humility and positive change. But when one’s self-critical tendencies impede the ability to thrive, any benefits of self-criticism may be overshadowed by possible harm to mental well-being.

I will take this advice to heart and from now on be kinder and more gentle with myself. That is not to say I’m not kind to myself or aware of the importance of self-kindness; it’s simply not something I practice enough. Thriving is what I seek in all realms of my life.

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My favorite new sport, pickleball, is another area in which I tend to beat myself up.

I’m playing with a fantastic group of women; some are more advanced in the game than I, some are less. My problem lies in the moments I believe I should play better — I miss a shot, hit the ball out of the court, or foolishly have forgotten the score. I silently (and sometimes loudly) berate myself. I thought this was common until one of my pickleball buddies pointed out how hard I am on myself and how that behavior affects my game — resulting in inferior play. If I acknowledged that the shot was an error and got over it, I’d be a more skilled and confident player.

Bob Iger, the Executive Chairman of Disney, in an interview with Oprah, said he believes in the pursuit of perfection, not to be more successful but to be better at what he does. He went on to say; that perfection is not being perfect — it’s not giving up.

Do you find that you are hard on yourself? Do you expect to be perfect? Long to excel at something right out of the gate? I’m not a fool. I know, with patience and work, I’ll improve at whatever I attempt, be it pickleball or writing. It’s in the moment that I don’t manage to apply that knowledge.

Loving the self begins with never ever criticizing ourselves for anything. Criticism locks us into the very pattern we are trying to change. Understanding and being gentle with ourselves helps us to move out of it. You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. — Louise Hay.

The Curious Case of Curiosity

 And how it can lead to a remarkably full life.

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It’s no secret that being curious keeps us interested in life. And depending on our curiosity's specific object — it can be the gateway to a plethora of new information and interests.

We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious, and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.— Walt Disney.

Lately, I’ve been curious about curiosity! Seriously. Is it true that curiosity makes a happier human? What an intriguing subject.

Curiosity and happiness relate to each other in compelling ways. We often think we know what will make us happy in the future. However, we are less likely to find joy due to a planned pursuit than simply stumbling upon it, as Harvard University psychology professor Daniel Gilbert, Ph.d. writes in his book, Stumbling on Happiness. It follows that by cultivating curiosity and remaining open to new experiences, we increase our likelihood of encountering those surprising and satisfying activities.

“The secret of happiness is curiosity.” — Norman Douglas, British author of South Wind.

About 20 years ago, I decided it was time to venture into art, specifically painting. My belief was I did not possess artistic talent, but I decided to yield to my curiosity and give it a go. I signed up for classes through the local community college, and I was off and running. No, I didn’t take to it like a fish to water, more like a fish out of water. Over the succeeding ten years or so, I persevered and managed to learn a skill and produce art adequate to hang on my walls.

Photo by Khara Woods on Unsplash

This undertaking whetted my appetite for additional art modalities — namely — collage. I gathered my supplies and my courage and gave it my best shot. My openness paid off — I found my niche. I have created several pieces, and though they may not be museum material, I am pleased with them.

Several years ago, an acquaintance asked me if I played pickleball. I’d never even heard of a sport that involved a ball called a pickle! What in the heck could that be?

After Carol’s basic explanation, my curiosity led me to explore it further. Down to the neighborhood courts, I trotted, dragging my dear friend Shannon along.

It appeared to be somewhat straightforward, yet we knew we needed guidance before entering the “arena.”

At the onset, we took lessons, bought the requisite gear: paddle, shoes, and balls, and ventured on. Oh, and the cute skirts, visors, and hot weather tops.

My foray into pickleball yielded much more than I ever could have imagined. I have not only learned pickleball, its tactics, tips, and strategies but have met a wonderful group of women I now can call my friends. What a happy outcome!

We play several times a week, bringing us pleasure, endless laughter, and gratitude — such growth and enjoyment derived from a bit of genuine curiosity.

Before Covid, my curiosity led me to take lectures through Osher Life Long Learning (OLLIE), a nationwide organization.

Each year OLLIE has two semesters, where we can learn about Native Americans, politics, history, writing, music — the subjects are endless. My current interest lies in fine art — the artists, the mediums, and all the stories surrounding these fascinating, talented people. I have been taking these classes for several years; they are deeply satisfying and motivating.

An unexpected bonus resulting from these classes was a new friendship with an older woman, as we both shared a desire to learn. This was Stumbling on Happiness in action.

When the pandemic descended on us, the lectures resorted to Zoom. Video presentations do not appeal to either of us, yet our friendship continues.

I was encouraged by a friend who believed I had endured numerous challenging life experiences and should share them via a blog. I had never written anything other than my journal. This suggestion ignited my curiosity, and in December of 2018, I did just that. I began my blog Strong55plus.blogspot.com.

Due to publishing a post every Thursday without fail, a friend approached me with an offer to be my writing partner. She suspected she had hit writer’s block, and our weekly collaborations might spark her creativity once again.

What a generous gift this was to me! I have found that I love writing, am learning so much, and enjoying our sessions immensely. Meg is benefitting as well.

My inquisitiveness directly adds to my happiness and satisfaction with my life — and thus, I believe will add many productive years. However, a caveat to curiosity is when fascination is piqued — it may open the door leading to another interest, and another…then the issue is — how do we find the time to explore it all? But that is another subject. For now, let’s be open and curious about all that life has to offer.

What Are You Reading?

 I love to read. Always have. And I am one of those odd (so I’ve been told) people who have several books going at once. 

I am always reading a novel, a self-development book, something spiritual, and at times, I’ll add a text on creativity, physical fitness, or health that has caught my attention.

The most recent novel I read is The Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford. This isn’t a book I would have chosen, but it was a gift from a friend, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

It is the story of a Chinese American boy during WWII and his life as an adult over 40 years later. Young Henry falls in love with a Japanese American girl, the enemy, according to his father, as the U.S. was at war with the Japanese. This book also addresses the conflicts of a father-son relationship. I found it profoundly moving and touching. It's so appropriate for today’s world with the current attacks on Asian Americans. And a timely re-release for the novel’s 10th Anniversary.

Another recent read, also not new, is Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout. I have read Elizabeth Strout’s work previously and am a fan. This book is no exception; it was the 2009 Pulitzer Prize Winner in Fiction.

I was surprised to find that Olive is a cantankerous, grumpy woman! I was expecting a kind, loving person and am not sure why I expected that. I will say, however, that this book is quite something. It is more a collection of essays, though the author has intertwined Olive in each. It had me laughing, shuddering, and startled by her in-your-face directness.

I’ve already ordered her follow-up; Olive Again.

The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett is an honest look at racism in various socio-economic communities. It is the story of twin girls and how each one’s decisions of how to live their lives unfold in a world of bigotry and racism. It is a fascinating peek into lies and secrecy and its consequences.

“Reading is the sole means by which we slip, involuntarily, often helplessly, into another’s skin, another’s voice, another’s soul.” — Joyce Carol Oates.

The physical fitness book that has had the most significant impact on me is Younger Next Year — for Women by Chris Crowley and Henry S. Lodge, M.D. (And for the men in your lives, there is a version for them, too.)

I read this manual for living a long, healthy life in 2018, and it completely changed my attitude towards aging. I didn’t even realize I had an attitude until reading this. I always assumed I would live to a ripe old age healthily. I exercise, eat reasonably well, meditate and have a solid social network. All these factors are components for longevity, the authors explain. 

What I was unaware of is that lifting weights is an absolute necessity to managing our later years. I sporadically used weights — now I’m serious about them, knowing the consequences if left to chance.

Now I understand how the importance of having friends is to our mental, emotional and physical health relative to aging. Besides loving them — they help us stay young!

This book explains that to live vitally and robustly well into old age, we must exercise vigorously six days a week, engage socially with others, and eat healthily. I know, not headline news; however, how many of us do it habitually?

The book was inspiring, funny, and motivating. 

I refer to a spiritual book when I need a pick-me-up. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer never disappoints. I’ve had this one for many years, read it several times, and it never fails to exhilarate me.

I have highlighted dozens of passages, tabbed tens of pages, and keep discovering “new” bits of wisdom. If I’m down or have a problem or issue with someone, I often turn to this book for reminders of what I want for my life and the bigger picture for all humans — LOVE.

The personal development narrative I love right now is Seth Godin’s The Practice — Shipping Creative Work. He aimed this work at writers, artists, salespeople, creatives of every ilk. By Shipping Creative Work, Mr. Godin means — get your art, story, pottery — whatever your work may be — out into the world where others can discover it. 

He reveals the imposter syndrome (I believe all creatives have a bit of this) and helps us get unstuck. The Practice is another book I have highlighted a ditty of insight on practically every page. It is on my nightstand for inspiration before I dream.

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book.” — Groucho Marx.

That is a peek into my reading at the moment. I’m always up for something new and fascinating. My problem is, finding the time. Even a retired woman has difficulty finding time for reading — but that’s another post!

xo

Accountability

 What is accountability, and is it helpful?

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

A few years ago, I announced on my blog that I had several goals in mind to achieve within one year. By publishing my intentions, I put myself on the line. That was precisely my point — make myself vulnerable to motivate me.

My goals were a stretch as goals ought to be. Out of the three, I achieved only one. The one I accomplished, I completed the last day of the allotted year!

Would you consider this a failure? I did at first until I took a closer look.

My first goal was for my blog to be read by a wider audience. Didn’t happen.

Goal number two was to advance from a 2.5 level in pickleball to a 3.5. Quite a jump for a woman my age, I’ve heard, but I was ambitious. Covid hit, and all pickleball activities were canceled for the next six or more months. I gave myself a “pass” on this one.

Finally, I returned to creating art after a hiatus of several years. I was determined to complete a collage for each of my sons. Success immediately for my oldest son, Anthony. For my son, Nick, I labored and worked on it endlessly. Nothing developed that I was satisfied with, until voila’! — magic happened. I finally created a collage I was proud of, the last day of my 365 days journey.

“The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.” — Michaelangelo.

Not succeeding initially felt like a failure. However, the gift was also the person I became in the process and the personal growth experienced by giving myself this challenge.

Looking in the rearview mirror, I realize that posting my aspirations gave me the accountability I was seeking and the additional motivation I needed to persevere.

I recently completed a Life Mastery Program with several women lead by my friend, a life coach. During the six-month term, Jo invited us to design a life that would bring us joy and fulfillment.

We focused on “Mastery” in the following areas: Intention, Health, Abundance, Manifestation, Love, and Transformation. We had a textbook, workbook, and homework every week.

Once again, the simple process of having accountability supplied me with more determination to succeed than had I been working alone. Plus, multiple heads are better than one, and we would brainstorm solutions for one another. We met weekly and reported on our progress. I wanted to move forward with my plan, proving to myself and the others that I could meet my intentions.

“Reaching out to someone else to help you with your goal isn’t weak, nor does it make you ineffective. It makes you smart. Show me a Fortune 500 CEO who isn’t supported with an extraordinary amount of accountability. He or she has to answer to shareholders, staff members, the company’s executive board, and often an executive coach.” — Hal Elrod, author of The Miracle Equation.

I was inspired by two friends to hike a new trail weekly. They set out to do this at the beginning of the new year. It sounded like a great idea and a way to break out of my hiking rut. I shared my new aim with my friend Shannon, told her where I planned to hike during the upcoming week, and invited her to join me. We ventured out and enjoyed grand views of the distant mountains and the topography below us. It was an adventure in hiking and integrity.

If Shannon cannot make future hikes, I know she will want to know how I did—accountability in action.

Back in my running days, I had a partner when training for a 12K race. I didn’t consciously think of him as an accountability cohort, but he certainly was. He would not let me off the hook despite a chilly downpour.

Along with the other accountability partners I’ve had, he was a source of encouragement and support.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

My current partner is precisely what I need, though I didn’t know it until she approached me.

Meg, now retired, was a creative writing professor at a prestigious university. She knew about my blog and was impressed that I published a post every Thursday for over two years. She decided I could help her overcome her writer’s block and support me in improving my writing skills. Meg has given me excellent advice and guidance. One of the favorites that I acquired is her “commandment”: Verbs are the workhorse of a sentence. This is now on a post-it note in a prominent place on my desk. Clearly, I am still working on this rule!

What a godsend Meg is to me. I am learning a great deal about honing my craft, and I am giving feedback that she appreciates. Being accountable to one another has kept us on track to meet our writing objectives.

It has been proven that having accountability to one or a group increases chances of success by 95%. And motivation is contagious.

Despite considering myself somewhat of a loner, I learned from my accountability partners’ mistakes and successes, and they benefited from mine. I was grounded and on track. Not only is accountability helpful to me it has also become non-negotiable for success. I’m having greater success than when I chose to go it alone.

“Alone, we can do so little. Together we can do so much.” — Helen Keller.