Can Compromise Be the Secret to a Happy Content Union?

 

Compromise plays a significant role in our successful relationships.

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How are your relationships faring? Are you muddling along or thriving? Often we carry on and settle.

My first serious boyfriend

My high school boyfriend was a cutie and sweet —  six foot 4, nice build, with curly brown hair. We dated our senior year and first two years of college.

He and I were “pinned” — what one did when in a relationship and part of a fraternity in those days.

The next step would have been to get engaged, and as soon as Bill began talking about it, I knew I wasn’t ready. Too darn young. Plus, he had been my “first.”

Playing the field

I wanted to experience life, new guys, nightclubs, everything life had to offer a curious twenty-something woman. My only recourse was to break it off.

I had a ball the next five or six years or so. I dated, went to clubs, danced the nights away — while having a fabulous, memorable time.

Let’s get married

Marriage came next, of course. In those days, if we weren’t married by our mid 20’s, it indicated something was off. Many of us rushed into it — pressured by parents or friends. We often felt it was the thing to do.

Many of those marriages ended in divorce — mine included.

Bill and I checked in a couple of times after our failed first marriages. Few of those early marriages survived ten years.

We occasionally saw one another — either one or the other of us wasn’t interested in picking up the relationship again. We were happy to remain friends.

Reuniting

Four full decades elapsed before we got together again. Did we think — perhaps there could be something to rekindle?

Rekindle we did. 

One minor issue — we lived in different states. I was in California, he in Arizona.

I loved Northern California. My sons were born and raised there. I lived there for over 40 years and had my boys, sister, and many friends there. 

Bill lived in Arizona for 40 years and also had significant ties to his home.

We decided to make Arizona our primary residence since Bill had a large home, pool, and yard. I had already downsized to a small apartment that we decided to keep for my frequent visits to CA.

Coming full circle

We have now been together for over eight years, married four. We never expected this to happen—what a pleasant surprise for both of us.

His sisters were my friends way back when and Bill always liked my family. Such a joy to have those relationships back in our lives again. 

There are challenges, for sure. We were youngsters when we dated. Now we are full-grown adults with well-worn habits, quirks, and preferences.

We have had careers, borne and raised children, and are now comfortably retired.

Learning to compromise

Meshing our well-established lives can be a test of internal fortitude at times. Not that either one of us is stubborn — it’s just that my way is better! 

And, of course, Bill believes his way is the only way.

Yet, we work it out with compromise as the answer. 

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What I have noticed in long-term marriages of friends is that they grew together. Ok, not all of them — some were together many years then split and called it irreconcilable differences.

However, the marriages that lasted decades were when the partners grew in the same direction with their ideals and visions. Both belonged to the same political party, religion, enjoyed many similar activities, such as watching football together or traveling.

Not with Bill and I. He is conservative, I liberal. I love to travel — he’s had enough of it. He loves TV; I adore reading. I love being physically active — hiking and playing pickleball. I appreciate the arts — visiting museums and galleries, botanical gardens, and such. He’s a typical couch potato with no remorse or guilt.

Still, we’re able to make it work. Compromise is the answer, once again.

Is it frustrating? Heck yeah.

Bill prefers I hang out with him more, yet understands that I must be busy and lively to be happy. I also need to have my quiet time. 

I set aside lunchtime for us to eat together and the dinner hour; of course, we are together. I spend the following two hours after our meal watching shows we both enjoy.

I also have learned to enjoy watching golf on TV— something I never thought I would do. It feels good to share this with him. I now know who the top players are and root for them right along with Bill.

Yes, it is possible to have a peaceful union with disparate views. We’re learning that being “right” is unimportant. Being content is the ultimate goal.

Compromise is the name of the game for a happy marriage and a peaceful life.

Are You Able to Use Your Powerful Mind to Achieve What You Want?

 

Be careful how you use that boundless mind.

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Have you ever watched yourself purposely use your mind to achieve the desired result?

For example, you’re interviewing for a position you know you are qualified for, yet the competition is fierce. You present yourself as the best possible hiree this company could have.

You ace the interview, and the job is yours. Success achieved.

Conversely, the opposite is also true.

This mighty mind and our psyche are capable of eradicating any possibility of getting that job.

It’s entirely up to us how we use the limitless power of our minds.

"If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place." --Lao Tzu, ancient Chinese philosopher.

How I allowed my mind to clobber me 

I am adept at using my mind to convince myself that I’m not as skilled as several of my pickleball opponents. This mind, or rather, my use of my mind, can and did defeat me.

Yesterday I played in my pickleball league. This is an all-women league, and for the most part, all participants are caring, considerate people. And most of them, very competitive.

We’re all ranked at approximately the same skill level, although some are slightly better than others.

I was partnered with my friend Julie, a natural athlete and a better player than me. Usually, that is what one wants in a partner.

Our opponents were two other pals — again, better than me — on a par with Julie.

I allowed myself to be intimidated by our opponents, and I didn’t play well. I also felt terrible that Julie got “stuck” with me, which added to my angst.

I was frustrated internally. And, apparently — outwardly, as well, as my friends kept reassuring me I was playing just fine. I wasn’t.

Re-learning what I already know

Today a few of us played pickleball for fun, no league pressures. Julie gave me a pep talk reminding me that I’m a decent player.

I explained to her how I allowed my mind to mess with my confidence, and I knew from the start the results of that game would not be pleasant.

Julie reminded me that I am better than that. Better than allowing my insecurity to take over my mind.

She is right.

I have raised two boys, and that was exactly what I taught them when they were playing sports, applying for a job, or any challenge they may have faced— that the mind rules the roost. What they believed they would become. 

“We become what we think about.” This quote by American motivational speaker Earl Nightingale was one I learned over 35 years ago during my younger years while on a journey to discover what I wanted from life. 

Thank you, Julie, for the reminder of such a fundamental law of life.

You may be thinking — who doesn’t know that? And I agree that if we’ve lived long enough, most of us know we are the result of our thoughts. 

However, let me be the warning that when in a situation where your confidence may not be at the highest level — you, too, may forget how gifted, skilled and unique you are!

I allowed myself to forget this basic rule. Lesson learned. Rather lesson re-learned.

I'm a New Writer on Medium-Learning with Every Post

 

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Writing for Medium is creative and a welcome education.

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Writing, authoring, composing, inventing, crafting — all terms associated with the act of depositing words on paper. 

I’ve always admired and secretly envied writers. I love to read — all types of novels, biographies, historical fiction — I love it all.

A day does not pass that I don’t pick up a book.

Never in this lifetime did I expect to find myself writing for others to read — like a bonafide author.

Dare I call myself an author? Yes, absolutely. If I publish an article and even one person reads it — I am an author. I’m proud to call myself this.

Two and a half years ago, I started a blog encouraged by friends who believed I had led an intriguing life that others might find interesting.

My friends do enjoy reading it — but my audience other than them — is meager. Still, I write.

"I write to discover what I know. "— Flannery O’Connor 

My writing partner, Meg, suggested I submit a post to Medium. Ok, she practically dared me. 

I knew I had to take on this challenge. One of my life mantras is never to stop learning. Once we quit learning and growing, we may as well say adios to life.

My first Medium article was published in January of this year — thrilling.

Big deal — you might think, and that’s ok. It was a big step for me and part of my ongoing education. 

I’m learning all the nuances of Medium. The rules, tips, and advice the experienced Medium writers are willing to share are invaluable. 

I thank you one and all for your generous revelations.

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I do feel like a fraud at times. After all, I don’t have an education in creative writing, nor was I ever an A student in that area of study (primarily due to “extracurricular activities.”)

I will not allow the lack of education to deter me. Plus, I have the author Elizabeth Gilbert as a cheerleader for the “uneducated” writers.

In her book Big Magic, Ms.Gilbert writes:

"If you are older, trust that the world has been educating you all along. You already know so much more than you think you know. You are not finished; you are merely ready. After a certain age, no matter how you’ve been spending your time, you have very likely earned a doctorate in living."

For sure, I fall into the older category, being in the glorious Third Third of my life.

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I have always been an acute and keen observer of life. I’m a people watcher. There is never a shortage of material to write about if you keep your eyes open and become a spectator.

"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect. "— Anais Nin

Since I’ve begun writing for Medium, I’ve become even more attentive. My eyes are always searching; ears are alert, awaiting a new idea or tidbit of commentary that could transform into a story.

My ideas are endless, though, at times, I question whether readers care about the subject I’ve chosen. I agree with the Medium seasoned authors — always write for your reader. I must have faith the articles I write will be of interest to them.

None of my posts have gone viral, and I don’t even have 100 followers, yet I persist and continue writing and publishing daily. 

I’m also blessed to have a writing partner who is a former creative writing professor, and her suggestions are invaluable. She is teaching me through her gentle recommendations and her heartfelt compositions.

I will also continue to read the articles the experienced writers publish, always grateful for their advice. 

If you’re a Medium reader and not a writer but have flirted with the idea — go for it. You have nothing to lose. Plus, learning a new skill, adventuring out to try a new undertaking keeps us curious, interested, and deeply invested in growth.

I’m optimistic my readership will grow. Whether it does or not, I enjoy writing and feel fortunate to have found this new creative outlet.

Will You Do the Important Things Now and Quit Procrastinating?

 

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We must override the fear that is at the root of our procrastination.

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I want to submit articles to other publications, yet, I procrastinate. I hesitate. I detect an underlying vein of fear running through me. Why the heck is this so?

I took the big plunge in January to publish on Medium, thanks to the encouragement of a friend. After taking that dive, shouldn’t the next platform and the following one be a dog paddle in comparison? Again, why the hesitation?

After a few moments of contemplation, I get it — the dreaded imposter syndrome has reappeared.

I’m new to writing, having started a blog less than three years ago. Yes, three years is a reasonable amount of time to have improved. However, I write and publish one article a week on that platform.

Since January of this year, I’ve submitted my articles to Medium — several a week — giving me more practice to evolve as a writer. I also am privileged to have a writing partner who is a retired creative writing professor at a prestigious university. How lucky can one be? 

I’m thrilled to have Meg as a partner and have already learned oodles of tips, tactics, and rules of writing to help me on this incredible journey. 

Still, I procrastinate, and the imposter syndrome persists.

Perhaps it is because my fellow writers are putting out excellent stories and essays, and mine pale in comparison?

The other side of the equation is I’m so enjoying the writing process —  I don’t want to take the time, necessary though it is, to figure out how to submit to various publications.

Do you find yourself delaying a project or activity repeatedly, unaware of why? Or perhaps you are conscious of the why, still, you put it off?

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I enjoy exercising except for the weight-lifting part — yet I rarely procrastinate there. I certainly don’t enjoy tidying the house — yet I wouldn’t dream of living in a messy home.

So why the reluctance to take the time to apply to other publications? Yup, fear and the imposter syndrome must be the culprits holding me hostage.

 

"The only difference between success and failure is the ability to take action. "— Alexander Graham Bell.

Enough whining — I will apply to a few of the excellent publications under the Medium umbrella.

I know I am not alone in this dilemma. Many of you encounter uncertainty and indecision, too. Let’s stop this and be accountable, if not to someone — to ourselves.

I am fully aware that procrastination when repeated, can become a way of life. I know I will not allow that to happen. I take pride in doing what I say I will do when someone else is relying on me.

I’m relying on myself, and I am every bit as important as another.