How do we know it’s time to end a relationship?
Breaking up is hard to do. Do not indulge in guilt — when the time has come — you must do it.
My dear friend is unhappy in her marriage.
I believe it’s time for me to end a friendship that has fizzled out. Ending a relationship — is painful, even when it’s the right thing to do. Right perhaps, for at least one of us.
Friendship:
My friend Dan and I met at a personal development seminar several years ago. The facilitator matched us up as partners for the 12-week course, and a friendship was born.
Self-development and our life goals were predominately the basis for our friendship in the early years. Later I welcomed Dan into my creative life by inviting him to museums, galleries, various art shows, and exhibits I attended.
Dan is a gay man and always had entertaining stories to tell me about his relationships. We enjoyed “educating” one another, laughing our way through many afternoons and evenings.
Until we no longer did.
I began to grow weary of picking up the tab. Dan was often out of work due to a myriad of absurd excuses.
I gently attempted to make him aware that his failure to stay employed was a detriment to his self-esteem along with other drawbacks — namely, my growing annoyance at his sponging.
There is a belief in the Buddist tradition called “idiot compassion”:
You avoid rocking the boat to spare people’s feelings, even though the boat needs rocking and your compassion ends up being more harmful than your honesty. Its opposite is “wise compassion” which means caring about the person but also giving him or her a loving truth bomb when needed. — Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.
Dan’s solution to the unemployment issue was to move clear across the country to live in his mother’s house since it was empty following her move to a retirement facility. Zero rent, more freeloading.
Our friendship consisted of texting or phone calls every few months or so, dwindling with every passing year for the next few years.
Knowing I visit San Francisco often, Dan called me to get together during an upcoming trip he’s planning to the city.
As it happens, I will be in San Francisco then. I mentioned to my son that Dan would be coming, yet I was conflicted about whether I wanted to take the time to see him. Nick pointed out; he is no longer a friend if you aren’t sure you want to see him.
That was a clarifying moment.
And, synchronicity’s timing was perfect. Dan’s arrival is now scheduled for several days after I depart. I’m not sure how this friendship will unfold. It’s growing toxic and frustrating for me.
Perhaps the time has come for me to take my advice!
People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
I’m not sure who the author of this phrase is, but Dan was in my life for a season, and for the most part, I am grateful for him and the fun, lighthearted times we had.
You cannot change the people around you. But you can change the people your choose to be around. — Anonymous.
Photo by Gemma Evans on Unsplash
It happened to me.
I met Irene, a talented artist, through a mutual friend. We enjoyed an evenly balanced camaraderie for a couple of years, although I recognized a smidge of self-centeredness occurring from time to time.
Her self-preoccupation increased so that Irene seldom showed any interest in my life. It isn’t easy to sustain a friendship when there is rarely a dialogue. It was always an Irene monologue.
Our friendship collapsed following her rant that no one (except for me) remembered her birthday. She railed her friends don’t care about her, no one appreciates her, on and on. As delicately as possible, I suggested that to have friends who care about you, you must be a friend to them.
Irene erupted, screaming how heartless I am to speak to her that way. She ordered me to leave her home immediately. I gladly complied, leaving behind the meal I brought to celebrate her birthday.
I was dumped. I had no desire to salvage the relationship. I’m guilt-free.
Irene was in my life, and I was in hers for a reason. The purpose of discussing various art forms was satisfied and concluded.
Perhaps with you, as well — some friendships are nurtured for many decades, others come and go throughout our lifetime. These relationships are lovely when we have a commonality.
Circumstances, people, interests are constantly in flux. So with relationships. When a friendship fades away naturally, it’s an easy transition and part of the human experience.
Spouse Relationship:
My friend Danielle moved cross-country after she remarried. Her second union was to a wonderful man she met through work. She admired, respected, and loved him, and within a year, they married.
Both Danielle and her new husband, Tom, were high achievers in their field and combined forces to build a successful company. The business and the couple prospered for several years until a former partner sued them. Sadly, they lost everything. Life for Danielle and Tom took a drastic turn.
Changes:
Tom lost his oomph while Danielle pressed ahead with a new venture, attaining success once again.
Tom gained enormous weight, began drinking daily, took a menial job in retail, and drove an Uber in his off-hours. He was no longer the man she fell in love with and married.
After some years, Danielle began to grow tired of being the primary breadwinner. Tom wasn’t performing at his capable, higher-level, or pulling his financial weight. She was falling out of love and losing respect and admiration for the man she once adored.
Without respect, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to love that person.
To add to her grief, she was experiencing deep feelings of guilt, as though she was abandoning him.
We marry for better or worse. Or do we? Does our spouse have a duty to hold up his end of the marriage contract? When do we know it’s okay to concede defeat and move on?
Do we stay because we took vows? Or do we owe it to ourselves to live the best life we can and not spend any more days attempting to help our partner return to the person he once was? Especially if he chooses not to help himself.
Leaving a marriage is heartbreaking for both parties — even when children are not a part of it. We can feel humiliated and defeated, akin to the captain deserting his sinking ship.
The decision to leave or stay is complex and different for each of us, weighing the possible consequences judiciously. After all — we put our body and soul into this union — leaving is hard.
Facing a relationship we choose to end is also part of being human, albeit — an unpleasant passage. I know you have experienced this, as well.
God willing, breaking up sans guilt is the best choice for both of us.
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