All I Wanted Was for Him To Love Me

 And this longing turned me into a people-pleaser.

Photo by Larm Rmah on Unsplash

I tried tirelessly to please him. I wanted to make him happy. A slight smile or an inkling of acknowledgment would have made my day.

I wanted desperately for him to love me.

No, he wasn’t my lover. He was my father.

A people-pleaser

Here I am in the Third Third of my life, and I can still remember the pain of non-acceptance.

As a child, this was disheartening, but this non-acceptance colored my relationships with others.

I learned how to be a people-pleaser. At times, I even attempted to be friendly with those I didn’t particularly care for. 

It wasn’t a horrible misstep when I was young, yet as an adult, it was disingenuous.

I woke up

I learned early on in adulthood that this behavior did not serve anyone. I learned to be honest and polite but no longer say, do or agree with anyone simply to please them.

Fortunately, I saw the disservice I was doing to myself and my self-esteem, and that it was unfair to the receiver of my phony approval.

There are times, even today, that this need to please others creeps back in. I must be diligent and stay in my integrity.

I have learned to say, “I’m not able to do that” when asked for a favor or receive an invitation I’d rather decline.

I’ve also learned that my father did love me. He loved me the way his parents loved him, I suspect.

He was unable to give praise or compliments even when well-deserved.

I was raised in the days when “spare the rod, spoil the child” was the rule.

This was the parents’ way of raising children to be strong and resilient.

Luckily, I learned this was not the right way to raise kind, loving, and compassionate children.

I raised my boys to respect people — of all ages. To be considerate, thoughtful, and honest humans.

They had chores and responsibilities from an early age, which gave them a sense of competence, value, and integrity. No people-pleasing for them.

Valuing and knowing how to nurture and support ourselves is one of life’s lessons and gifts.

Be kind to others but not at the risk of losing yourself.

Dare You Let In a Little Joy Every Day?

We don’t need to be Pollyanna to rejoice in all we have.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

I’m usually more of an optimist than a pessimist, but it’s been a challenge these days.

It’s been over two years of Covid, and we finally seem to be making headway, masks mandates have been lifted, and people generally are feeling more positive that life may begin to return to “normal.”

But, wait — you mean Covid cases are rising yet again? Indeed, they are. Blessedly, hospitalizations for those sick are on the decline. I suppose we can thank our vaccinations for that bit of sunshine.

Now the tragedy in Ukraine has grabbed our attention and our hearts. It seems impossible that one narcissistic maniacal man can level such catastrophic devastation on innocent people. We are helpless to stop him.

Inflation is rising out of control, spiking gas prices, and food and other necessities are increasing to all-time highs.

A suggestion

What now? What do we do individually to keep our spirits up?

Do we wake every day and wonder — what else will happen today?

Rev. Edwene Gaines, a 40-year minister with Unity Church, sends me uplifting notes monthly.

I love her and her neverending hopefulness.

Not only does she have a sharp wit, but Rev. Gaines shares her optimism, joy, and love of God with anyone who will listen.

Here are a few of the affirming statements she sent to me this week:

• I now let up, let go, and let in love of life.
• I now choose to lighten up and laugh a lot.
• Life is fun, and I opt for joy now.
• I am filled to overflowing with gratitude.
• Life conspires to make me happy.

Yes, we can choose to let go, lighten up, laugh a lot and be grateful. All of these are options that will bring us peace.

A few more:

• I love myself and every aspect of my life.
• Life conspires to make me happy.
• I love to play.
• I choose to enjoy my life, my circumstances, my work, my home, my environment, my family, and all my friends.

The awful, frightening happenings of the world will continue regardless of whether we attempt to live according to the above affirmations. However, don’t you feel more powerful by voicing these statements?

Don’t you feel a tad more optimistic? I sure do.

Experiment

Try taking one statement a day and focusing your attention on that one and see what happens.

Today I selected “I love myself and every aspect of my life.”

I was feeling grumpy as it was grocery shopping day, which is far from my favorite chore.

I made myself take a second look — looking in the mirror; I repeated: “I love myself.” It took a few times for this to sink in.

I always assumed I did love myself, but expressing it aloud brought tears to my eyes — tears of joy.

Had I forgotten that I did, indeed, love myself?

Next up — “and every aspect of my life.” How blessed I am to have the money to be able to shop for groceries when millions of people worldwide go to bed hungry every single day.

That was a wake-up call, and I felt ashamed to even gripe about having to do the shopping.

Get the idea?

Affirmations are not new. They’ve been around for decades. I recall inventing declarations when attempting to reach a goal in my thirties.

The difference with these affirmations is to remind us how blessed we are. Sure, we still have trials and challenges — that’s part of life.

Yet gratitude and stating all the positives we have been blessed with will surely make for a happier, dare I say — more joyful day?

Rejoice in all the good in your life — and you will reap the rewards.

The Time To Go For Your Dreams May Be Now As Tomorrow Is Not Promised

We continually made excuses for not attempting to reach for our dreams during our drinking years. The time to do it may be now.

Photo by Richard Ludwig on Unsplash

I always had fabulous plans to take a few months and travel throughout Europe. I envisioned painting my version of a "Starry Night." Telling my story via a blog.

My list was endless.

How about you? Do you have great plans? You may have already actualized a few of your dreams if you're sober.

If you're still drinking — not yet. Maybe tomorrow?

I quit drinking in September 2018, and in December of that year, I began this blog.

That feat was on the top of my "to-do after attaining sobriety list." It was a thrill to hit that publish button for the first time. I've published a post weekly ever since.

I no longer desire to paint an imitation of "Starry Night." That was a silly alcohol-fueled dream.

Now I am experimenting and creating art in the form of collages. It can be frustrating, exasperating, and a stretch. Yet it is a challenge I've taken on, and it is gratifying to see the finished piece.

One doesn't need to be addicted to realize that time waits for no one.

My friend, Cindy, never a great cook, had aspirations to go to Tuscany and cook a meal with a renowned chef.

She was apprehensive and nervous, yet she and another friend left their husbands and worries at home, booked the trip, and had the time of their lives.

It's now several years later, and Cindy is in an assisted living facility as she has early-onset Alzheimer's.

There wasn't the slightest clue this disease was heading her way. We have no way of predicting what life will bring.

Whether you are sober or never a serious drinker — we all tend to put off to tomorrow rather than make plans today. We waste time. We're too busy doing "other" things and procrastinating on our dreams.

This year, two friends died, leaving their husbands in pieces and their dreams unrealized. Heartbreaking, indeed.

One life. Just one. Why aren’t we running like we are on fire towards our wildest dreams? — Anonymous.

Do not wait for the perfect moment to plan that trip or take your children or grandkids to Disneyland.

Take the first step to fulfill what you dream of achieving. Then take the next step, and before you realize it, you will be shaking hands with Mickey Mouse and maybe even hugging Cinderella.

Make your dreams come true — and begin today.

A Warning Ladies — Here’s the Latest Scary Statistics About Women and Drinking

Even with all the hoopla around healthy living, women are still overdrinking.

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

Are you a woman? Are you still drinking? You might want to consider what the latest findings show. It’s not pretty.

In today’s OpEd section of the New York Times, a female writer gathered statistics about the increase in women’s drinking.

Not only has the drinking increased, but alcohol companies have targeted women with their advertising campaigns.

Also, the once-popular TV show Sex and the City made drinking appear fun and sophisticated.

I fell into the fad of the cocktail Cosmopolitan from that show. Not because it appeared fun and sophisticated but because it was inviting and tasty. And potent.

I had my first Cosmo in a restaurant before dinner, and I was hooked. I began assembling them at home. That was a part of my descent into serious imbibing.

Here are a few disturbing statistics the writer, Erika Andersen, compiled. By the way, Andersen attained one year of sobriety recently. She, too, had dipped down into that rabbit hole of overdrinking.

• The days in which women drank four or more drinks in a few hours increased by 41% during the pandemic — according to JAMA Network Open.
• Mothers with children under 5 increased their drinking by more than 300%, also during the pandemic — according to RTI International for the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.
• From 2001 to 2013 there was a 58% increase in women’s heavy drinking and an 84% increase in alcohol-use disorder.
• According to one study, emergency room visits increased by 70% for women and 58% for men due to alcohol-related issues from 2006 to 2014.
• Another study found that from 2009 to 2015, women’s cirrhosis related to alcohol rose 50% while men’s increased 30%.
• 85% of consumer purchases are made by women, alcohol included.
• Women have been targeted by advertising hard seltzers to them. From May 2020 to May 2021, hard seltzer producers claimed $4.5% billion in sales.
• From 1999 to 2017, alcohol-related deaths among women rose by 85%.

These facts are frightening and incomprehensible, yet it’s reality.

Fortunately, many of us realize we have been overindulging and are cutting back or abstaining completely.

I did. I recognized that retirement brought a considerable increase to my imbibing.

I no longer enjoyed one glass of wine while preparing dinner or one while dining.

I had begun concocting “creative” cocktails and changed them up frequently. My drinking had become a free-for-all.

I thought it was okay to finally relax and enjoy myself after decades of working, raising children, and caring for the home.

You know what I mean, I’m sure — most women worked exceedingly hard, shouldering the brunt of the chores and responsibilities of the home and children.

Didn’t we finally deserve a break? Yes, until that break broke us.

I gave it up — no, not easily, but I did it, and you can, too.

Andersen was helped by Laura McKowen’s company, the Luckiest Club, which offers several meetings a day via video. I read her book We Are the Luckiest about her struggles with drinking and her sobriety journey. I recommend it.

My primary aids leading to my sobriety were the books This Naked Mind by Annie Grace, Kick the Drink…Easily by Jason Vale and Stop Drinking Now by Allen Carr.

You can read about these and two others that helped me in my article “5 Amazing Life-Changing Books That Helped Sober Me Up,” published on Medium on December 1, 2021.

Finally, light is being shed on this epidemic of women overdrinking, mommy’s wine playdates, and advertising luring women into thinking their imbibing has been earned.

No one can save us but ourselves. We must take that first step. Once you have decided to quit, you can get assistance and guidance from many agencies and recovery groups that meet in person and online.

Everyone is familiar with the ever-popular Alcoholic Anonymous, and for a good reason. They have helped millions attain sobriety.

Or do as I did, read your way to abstention.

Help is only a Google away. Please do not delay — get the help you need today.

Would Your Sober Soul Like a Bit of Adventure Right About Now?

Photo by Mathieu Stern on Unsplash

We know that adventure is good for the soul and spirit. Yet how often do we allow ourselves to participate in something out of the norm?

You may be a newbie in the sober world or a seasoned vet — either way, we can all use a respite from our daily life.

Whether you’re abstaining or still indulging in the drink — we’ve been through a tough couple of years with the pandemic. It’s still not over.

Now we’re witnessing pain, killing, and destruction of lives and country in Ukraine.

Abortion rights are threatened, certain books are being banned in elementary schools. What?

This suggestion for an adventure may be just what the doctor ordered.

Over 25 years ago, I took The Artist’s Way workshop based on the book of the same name by Julia Cameron.

One of the book/workshop requirements is to take what Ms. Cameron calls the Artist Date.

This is where we seize a few hours to take ourselves out alone.

This outing arouses our curiosity and creativity.

In my post of March 9, 2022, I went into detail about this date on AINYF entitled: Try This Simple and Creative Way To Support Your Sobriety.

I’m rereading and enjoying another of Julia Cameron’s work: The Sound of Paper.

She challenges us to take the Artist Date further and try a solo adventure. This is a lengthier and loftier date to spark creativity further.

Now, I’m recommending that you try a solo adventure.

What better way to take some much-needed time for yourself and step outside your everyday routine.

Interestingly, Ms. Cameron does not suggest this to support sobriety though she admits to being addicted to the drink and quit imbibing over 40 years ago.

We have succumbed to the couch, Netflix, needless munching, and perhaps whining and feeling sorry for ourselves during our plunge into alcoholism.

You’re over it now and happily and gratefully sober — time to celebrate. You certainly deserve to rejoice. It hasn’t been an easy go — has it?

I’m not ready to take an extended adventure — but a full day away from hubby, doggie, and home? — count me in.

A day at my favorite museum, lunch on the patio with views of interesting sculptures, a delicious meal, and an Arnold Palmer may not be your ideal outing, but it fills the bill for me.

Plus, a little present from the gift shop would be a treat, too.

Remember, people, we’ve been isolating for almost two years — one step at a time.

I haven’t visited this museum in at least three years. My next venture will be more daring.

As Cameron writes:

A longer and larger Artist Date, a real adventure, brings to the soul a sense of joy and well-being. Take pen in hand. Number from 1 to 10. Finish the following phrase as rapidly as possible:

1. A great adventure I’d love to have is________________________________.

2. A great adventure I’d love to have is________________________________.

3. A great adventure I’d love to have is________________________________.

And continue to ten diverse options for an adventure you have personally created.

She adds:

Scan your list. Select the adventure that sounds the most delectable to you. Devise one small step you can take toward having that adventure. Take that step.

I haven’t any suggestions for you as we are all as individual as our fingerprints. This adventure list is for you to design and complete.

It has long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things. — Leonardo da Vinci.

Have fun with this adventure — you have worked hard and deserve it.